


Finding James

by Titti



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drug Addiction, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-01 00:10:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 24,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14508216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Titti/pseuds/Titti
Summary: James hasn't been seen in years, but Scorpius finds him in Amsterdam.





	1. Amsterdam

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [HP May Madness.](https://hp-may-madness.livejournal.com/) Each day is the response to the the daily prompt. The story is now complete.

Amsterdam had the best clubs in the wizarding world. It was something that Scorpius had learned when he'd discovered that he was gay and before he had the courage to tell his father. Fresh out of Hogwarts, he knew that his father would find out if he had a boyfriend in the UK, so off he went to Amsterdam, at least until a few months later, his father had sat him down and told him that nothing in the world would make him stop loving Scorpius. There's been hugs (from his father) and a few tears (from Scorpius), but neither had talked about that day.

Potions moved freely in Amsterdam and any decent bachelor party was held there. The private party room was dark and loud. Scorpius sat on a couch watching the groom to be drink Merlin knew what. He was bored, Albus had skipped the party because of work, and he had no intention of drinking random potions made by some unknown party. He was ready to leave when two men and two women wearing a mask and very little more entered their private room. 

Scorpius barely looked at the women, but one man in particular had his attention. Muscular, fit, tanned, he was perfection. He moved through the guests with an easy smile, dancing and flirting until he stopped in front of Scorpius. There was a moment of hesitation while Scorpius let his gaze travel over the man's body until he saw it. It wasn't anything big, nothing that needed concealing, just a little scar on the left hip, but he knew that scar well. His heart sped up and suddenly he was on cloud nine.

He stood up, his body pressed against the other man's. "I want private time with you."

"I don't kiss and I don't take my mask off," come the bored answer, as if he'd said it plenty of times before. Scorpius just nodded in assent and then he followed the man out of the room and onto a different floor and a private room. "I'll need payment up front."

Scorpius took money out and put them on a dresser without bother to ask for a price.

"That's too much."

"Consider it my tip," Scorpius answered.

There was a curt nod. "What would you like?"

"I'd like to know what the hell is wrong with you, James."


	2. The Scar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James does his best to avoid giving an explanation.

"I’m not-"

"You got that scar on your hip the summer before your seventh year. We were at the Burrow and we were playing Quidditch. Fred was on the ground and trying one of his father's new fireworks. It exploded badly and hit you in the air. You fell to the ground. You broke three bones, split your lip and complained about your bloody hair. They were able to fix everything without a problem, but because of the spells your Uncle George used in creating those indoor fireworks, they weren't able to fix the scar." Scorpius moved closer. "Would you like to try again?"

"You need to go," James said.

Scorpius snorted. "That's not going to happen. Your family has been looking for you for seven years, they think you're dead, James. Dead. Do you know what that has done to them? But you don't care, because you're here being a whore."

James' jaw clenched. "I'm not a whore."

The laughter had a cruel current in it. "You just accepted my money to let me fuck you. If that's not the definition of a whore, I don't know what is."

"I… it's complicated," James said with a sigh. "Please, you can't say anything to them. I'll do whatever you want. You don't even have to pay."

"All right, stop," Scorpius said. "I didn't give you the money because I wanted to fuck, but because I wanted to talk, and that hasn't changed. If you want me to keep this quiet, you need to start explaining, because at the moment, I'm inclined to send a house elf to Albus and tell him."

James sat down on the bed. "I don't even know where to start."

Scorpius cast a cleaning spell on the sheets and sat next to James. "Let's start with this." He took off James' mask. "Better. Now, why don't you start from the beginning."


	3. Potions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius learns why James didn't go back home.

"Do you remember the Malstrome's case?" James asked.

Scorpius looked at him unimpressed. "Do you mean the big case you had right before you disappeared? Nope, totally escapes me."

James rolled his eyes. "I don't need the sarcasm."

"Then, stop asking stupid questions, and yes, there are stupid questions," Scorpius said, before sighing. "You had just finished training, three months into the job. That child's death wasn't your fault."

"It was, though. I thought- I'm Harry Potter's son, I can't possibly need any help. I went in, so sure of what I was doing, because hey, my father went after the greatest dark wizard by himself and no training. I could do it, too," he said, bitterly.

"A lot of people died in that war," Scorpius said gently.

"I know, but I wasn't thinking of that. I was thinking about being as good as the Great Harry Potter," James admitted. "I wasn't. Everything went to hell so quickly and that boy-" He closed his eyes tight. "I tried to keep going, to go to work and pretend that I hadn't done anything wrong. The press was going nuts, remember? They wouldn't let me forget. Then they started to say that I should be prosecuted for the boy's death, that it was nepotism, that the only reason I was out was because of my father. I just- I had to leave."

Scorpius put a hand on James' back. It should have been strange considering that James was barely wearing any clothes, but neither man seemed to notice. "When you left, we all assumed that you were somewhere, getting drunk, and that you'd come back. No one worried the first day or two, but by the third day, when you didn't get in touch with anyone, they all started to worry. We cast locator spells, your Uncle Ron and your dad start asking people, there were signs at the WWW. Everyone was looking for you."

"I was going to come back. At least I think I would have, but-" James leaned forward, his head lolling forward while he stared at the floor. "I was an idiot."

"You often are," Scorpius said, teasingly, before squeezing James' shoulder. "Why didn't you come back?"

"I-" James cleared his throat. "I left the country, came here. I started drinking. A lot. It was a three-day binge. I don't even remember most of it, but I remember this lady in red, sitting next to me, talking. She gave me something, a potion. Merlin, everything felt so good after that. Then I woke up and I was shaking, feeling sick. I had no idea what it was."

"Withdrawal," Scorpius said.

James nodded. "I had no idea. I drink. My mum is a bloody Weasley, I can outdrink most people, but this potion- I didn't know what it was, but I knew I had to have it. I found that woman – Mila - again, she told me that it was expensive. I told her that I had money, but she didn't want it, she wanted something else from me and I would have given her anything. She said it was her boyfriend, but I didn't care. After that there were others, men, women, I didn't care."

"Bloody hell, what did they give you that worked so fast?" Scorpius asked.

"They call it the 'magic hook' here. One taste and you're addicted," James said. "The only problem is that slowly you build tolerance, so you start with other things."

"Are you still using?" Scorpius asked.

James nodded. "They aren't as bad. They don't want us to be too far gone," he said softly.

"You can still come home," Scorpius said, gently.

James sat up in a bolt and shook his head, fear in his eyes. "I can't. They have pictures, Muggle recordings. If I try to leave… the press… my dad… Please, Scorpius…" He hugged the other man tight. "Please, you can't do that."

Knowing about the potions, James' sudden change didn't seem as strange. Scorpius slowly put his arms around James. "I won't tell them." For now, he mentally added. "But we'll find a way to get you out of this. I promise."


	4. The Hotel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius wants to make sure that James is all right.

James finished work and left the club feeling more tired than ever. Seeing Scorpius for the first time in seven years brought back too many memories and even the potion he'd taken as soon as Scorpius had left hadn't done much to dull the pain. He wanted to go home and never get up again, even if he knew that it wasn't possible. He'd be back the next night, because he couldn't live with the consequences.

He walked past the anti-apparition zone ready to go home when he saw Scorpius standing there. "You should have gone home."

"When have I ever listened to a Gryffindor?" Scorpius answered as he stepped closer. "I have a hotel room booked for the night."

Anger boiled up inside James. He clenched his fists as he stared. "You did pay for me."

Scorpius rolled his eyes. "Are you high? You should know- Wait? Are you high?" he asked.

"Possibly," James admitted.

"Listen to me well. I don't pay for sex and I certainly wouldn't pay you for sex."

"What? Am I not good enough?" James snapped back.

Scorpius closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. When he reopened them, he put his hands on James' shoulders. "James, I just want to spend some time with you. I haven't seen you in seven years. That's all I meant."

James knew he was overreacting, and nodded. "Yeah, okay, but you'll have to take me there." Scorpius put an arm around James and Apparated both to the hotel's lobby. "You know what we look like, right?" James asked. "You and your posh clothes and me looking like-"

"I don't care what they think, James." He kept a hand on James' back and if he was reinforcing the idea that James was a hustler, he didn't care. He didn't want to give James the chance to leave. Once they got to the room, Scorpius relaxed a little. "Do you want something to eat?"

James shook his head, while he looked at the room. "It's been a while since I've been somewhere this nice unless- Work, you know?"

"Stay tonight," Scorpius said. "It's a big bed and I don't hog the covers. And you can't be as bad as Albus."

James laughed. "He's horrible. He always manages to roll around the sheets so you can't cover yourself and that's if you're lucky enough to have any space."

"He hasn't changed much, although we don't share a bed as often as when we were children," Scorpius said, grinning.

"You and Albus?"

Scorpius frowned, before understand. "Merlin, no. He's my best friend. That'd just be weird. When Rose got married-"

"She got married?" James asked.

"Yes," Scorpius said, gently. "Almost all of your cousins are married. Albus is engaged. He's been engaged for four years now."

James snorted. "Four years? What is he waiting for?"

"You," Scorpius said. "He said that he won't get married until you come home. No matter what people have said, he keeps saying that you're alive and you'll go back."

"I…"

Scorpius smiled. "Don't say anything for now. Just-" He took James' hand and let him into the bedroom. "Let's get some sleep and we can talk in the morning. I'll tell you all about the marriages and the children. Catch you up on what has happened at home."

James hesitated. He wanted to know about them, but part of him knew how painful it would be. Still, he wanted to know and was grateful that Scorpius wanted to tell him. "I shouldn't have said what I did, but if you want-"

"Stop, please. No more offers of sex, okay? We're just friends who haven't seen each other in a long time."

"We were never friends," James said.

"You were- you are my best friend's brother, which means you're sort of my friend, whether you like it or not, and I'm totally amazing, which means that you can't possibly not want to be my friends," Scorpius said with a grin.

James chuckled. "Glad to see that you're still an arrogant git."

"Oh I'm much worse," Scorpius deadpanned. "You can figure it out in the morning when you are rested. Now, take off your clothes or not, whatever you're comfortable with. I don't wear pyjamas, but if it bothers you, let me know and I'll-" What? Transfigure some clothes probably.

"You've seen me basically naked already," James said with a shrug, before beginning to strip. 

Scorpius did the same, before they got in bed. James lay on his side, watching the wall and completely still. Scorpius could feel the tension radiating from James. He slid over and spooned against James's back. He kissed his shoulder. "You're safe here, James. Get some sleep." There was a curt nod, but slowly the tension began to ease and James fell asleep. "I'll find whoever made you so afraid and he'll pay for whatever he did to you," Scorpius whispered, before falling asleep himself.


	5. Deals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius convinces James to go back to England.

"Come with me back to England," Scorpius said as they finished dinner. 

They had woken up late that morning and had spent the day at the hotel. Scorpius had caught James up, sharing news from home. James had listened avidly and asked a few questions, but otherwise he'd offered nothing about his own life. It was getting late now and Scorpius knew that soon James would leave to go to the club.

"I can't," James said. "You know I can't."

"Actually, I don't know, because you haven't said anything specific," Scorpius pointed out. "Look, I know what you have said and the implications, but pictures can be bought, newspapers can be stopped from publishing things. Father has friends. They could buy the exclusive rights to the story and then bury it."

"Yes, and why would they do that?" James asked. "They could make a fortune publishing it."

"And they could make just as much if my family pays for them to kill the story. Or if your family pays. Besides they wouldn't want to piss off your father. This isn't something he'd just get over. And let's not forget the Aunt who's the Minister now.."

"My family is better off-"

"Don't fucking finish that sentence." Scorpius pulled his chair closer. " _You_ weren't there to see your family grieve for you, but I was, and I'm telling you that there is no world in which they'd be better off thinking that you're dead." He put a hand on James' thigh. "Look, I know this is scary for you. I get that-"

"Do you? Do you really? Because I don't think you do. I was the golden boy. I could do no wrong," James said, getting angry. "And then what? I disappeared and now I'm what? I'm a junkie and a whore. I've been paid to fuck and be fucked and I was high most of that time. Do you really get that? What do you want me to do when I go back? Play the perfect son again? I can't bloody do that. I'm not perfect, I'm-" He stopped abruptly and looked down. He shook his head. "I shouldn't be there."

Scorpius got up and put his arms around him. "You need help and your family will do what they can to help you."

James laughed bitterly. "How can they? They are all so bloody perfect; it's fucking exhausting to be around them, and I- I'm fucking shaking, Scorpius. I need-"

"There are potions you can take that aren't addictive. They'll help you through the withdrawal," Scorpius said.

James raised his head and looked at Scorpius. "How do you know so much?"

Scorpius chuckled. "Mr. Auror never paid attention to anyone, but I got a job with the Unspeakables, experimental potions division, which I shouldn't be telling you since technically you're not with the Aurors anymore, but yes, I know a few things about potions, just like I know you took some at least twice today. Let's make a deal. Firecall the club and find an excuse for tonight, then come home with me. I won't tell your family. We can speak with my father and find a way to get whatever pictures or recordings they have of you, while I'll help you get clean, and when things are solved, then we tell your family."

"Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you going out of your way to help me?" James asked.

Scorpius shrugged. "Because I love Albus and I know what you mean to him, and because no one should have to go through what you've gone through."

James rested his head against Scorpius. "I don't know if I can do it. I thought about it, through the years, but it just seemed so-"

"Hard?"

"Impossible," James said. "You don't know how powerful and scary they are."

"You don't know how powerful and scary my father can be. Or for that matter how powerful and scary your father can be." Scorpius held James a little tighter, before kissing the top of his head. "Maybe it was impossible when you were alone, but you're not alone. You have me now. Trust me, James."

James nodded slowly. "All right. I'll go home with you, but you can't tell my family. Promise?"

"I promise." For now, he planned to keep that promise. In the future, they'd see. The important part was that he was taking James home where he belonged.


	6. Temptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first night back isn't easy for James.

A house elf woke Scorpius up in the middle of the night. He looked scared since he was bothering his master while asleep, but Scorpius had been given exact orders. They'd been back only a few hours and he didn't believe for a moment that James would be fine despite the many reassurances. "Mister James is walking through the house looking for potions. Tully has been hiding them."

"Thank you, Tully. I'll take it from here." With the help of his house elf, Scorpius found James in his father's study. "He doesn't keep his potions here."

James froze, before turning. "I-"

"You, what? You aren't looking for potions because you're in withdrawal? Please don't say something that stupid. I know you're smarter than that. Now, do you believe me that even the great James Potter can't go cold turkey?"

"Don't call me that," James hissed.

"You're right. I'm sorry, but James, you've been using for seven years. Your body _and_ your mind are both used to potions. You can't just stop. I can give you a potion that will help whine you out slowly. It's not addictive."

"I don't want it," James said stubbornly.

"Fine, then we look at other ways to deal with that itch," Scorpius said.

"Like what? Firewhiskey?" James asked, confused.

"No, switching one addiction for another won't help." The Weasley tolerance was known, but Scorpius had seen the amount of drinking done by some of the members of Albus' family. It resembled alcoholism more than tolerance. "No, something less addictive than that: touch."

"You want to have sex," James said with a frown.

"How do you go from touch to sex? Never mind, I don't need an answer, but no, not sex. Touch. Touch and chocolate. We don't know why either works, but they do," Scorpius said, calmly. "If you don't want to take a potion, then come and sleep with me. No sex," he repeated, because he wanted to make sure that he got his point across. 

"I did sleep better last night," James admitted. He thought about it for a little longer, before finally nodded. 

Scorpius ordered the house elf to bring them chocolate and hot cocoa in the room. "You can have the cocoa now and chocolate if you need it in the middle of the night," he explained as they walked to the room.

Soon enough they were in bed, James drank his hot cocoa and Scorpius found himself spooned against the other man once more. "Relax, Jamie."

"Just touch," James whispered.

"Just touch." As the torches went out and he felt James relax against him, Scorpius wondered if the potions or James were the biggest temptation.


	7. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco doesn't like having James at Malfoy manor

The rain was falling down and the sky was dark. Draco looked out of the window as he waited for Scorpius to come out of his room after sending a house elf to ask for him. He wouldn't go in there with James holed up in Scorpius' room.

"Yes, Dad?" Scorpius said.

"I'd like to talk. Maybe we should go to the sitting room." Either way they would have this discussion, because James had arrived a week ago after a seven-year disappearance and Draco still hadn't gotten the full story, just enough to start making inquiries about this possible pictures of him, but he still didn't have anything.

Scorpius look at the door of his room. "He's not doing so well. The potions he was addicted to are stronger that I suspected. He's still not over the physical symptoms of withdrawal. Can we talk here?"

Draco nodded. "I- Scorpius, you know I love you and I would do anything for you, but we can't hide James Potter in our home. Besides the fact that his father has enough clout to stop those pictures from ever seeing the light of day, he will go mad when he finds out that we've been keeping this secret from him."

Scorpius smirked. "I'm glad to see that you consider our well-being before those pictures being leaked."

Draco was too old to roll his eyes, but it was a close call. "Did I ever give you the impression of being a Gryffindor? Of course our well-being comes before anything. However, my point stands."

"Well." Scorpius gave his father that innocent smile that had stopped working sometimes around the age of five. "I told you I promised him that I wouldn't tell his father. I can't go back on my word, can I?"

Draco stared for a moment, then smiled. "But I haven't given him my word, have I? And this is why I love you. All right, I suppose we can stall a little bit longer, enough for him to go through withdrawal. How much longer?"

"If I were to guess? Another day, two at most?" Scorpius said.

"Fine, you have two days, but then I'll speak to Potter. Maybe I can convince him to keep it from his family for a little while longer. The Weasleys can be a bit overwhelming. Merlin knows I want to take something when I'm around them," Draco said with a smirk. "Do you need anything? You've been holed up with him for days. I've covered for you at the Ministry, but you can't do it forever."

"No, I'm fine, and I've spoken to my boss. He apologised for not showing up when I was supposed to, but he was very sorry that grandfather isn't feeling well and I can have a few more days." Scorpius shook his head. "When exactly did grandfather get sick?"

Draco shrugged. "He never goes out anymore. No one knows that he feels perfectly fine. It seemed as good as an excuse as any."

Scorpius hugged him tight. "Thank you, Dad. You're the best."

Draco returned the hug before stepping back. "And I wouldn't be the best dad if I didn't mention how dangerous what you're doing is. He's hurt you once before."

"He didn't know," Scorpius whispered.

"He still hurt you," Draco said. "Be careful."


	8. Between Fathers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Draco reaches out to Harry

Another day or two had turned into one week. Scorpius kept changing the potions to help with the withdrawal, but whatever James had taken in Amsterdam had been powerful. Now that the physical symptoms had ended the hard part would start, and as much as Draco wanted to give Scorpius the opportunity to help James, he knew that the young man needed his family.

It was how he found himself sitting across a desk from Harry in his office. "I assume that you have privacy spells in this office." Draco's assumption was proved correct when Harry nodded. "This is rather delicate."

"I didn't think you were here for tea," Harry answered. "What did Scorpius and Albus do?" he asked with a sigh.

Draco smiled. "Nothing out of the usual, I would assume. You know that they are twenty-five, yes? They don't get in trouble like they used to."

Harry frowned. "But you talk to me when they do something."

"I also talk to you when-" Draco thought for a moment. "All right, I do tend to talk to you when there's a problem. There is something, now; it's not a problem, but I need your word that you won't tell anyone for now, not even your wife."

"I don't discuss work-"

"It's not work." Draco sighed. "Look, I know it's probably hard to trust me implicitly, but I made my own promises. I need you to keep this for yourself for the time being. _Please_ "

Harry sighed. "All right. I won't tell anyone. Now will you tell me what's happening?"

"Scorpius found James." Draco wasn't surprised when Harry stood up. "Sit down; I'm not done. Scorpius found him in Amsterdam. He was in bad shape, addicted to some very strong potions that they are using there. He convinced James to come back and has been helping him through detox. Your son doesn't want anyone to know, but he's in trouble, and I've been trying to help." Telling Harry the rest of the story was one of the most difficult things he had ever done and when he was finished, he could see the tension in the other's man body. "We need to stop whoever it is from selling these pictures. I can pay-"

Harry shook his head. "We're not paying anyone. Find out who has them and I'll get them back. Unless they want their world to collapse on them, they will do as I say."

Draco saw the determination in Harry's face, so reminiscent of a young man facing impossible odds. He didn't ask if Harry planned to use his connections in foreign ministries or other ways. He'd let Harry worry about it, knowing that either way Harry would get it done. "I'm expecting that name tonight. I'll owl you." He got up. "I'll see you soon, Potter."

Harry nodded. "Malfoy, thank Scorpius for me and tell him-."

"He'll take good care of James." With that Draco left the office.


	9. Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius makes a few admissions

"I think I should go back," James said out of the blue.

They were walking around the grounds. The sky was clear on a warm day. The sun was shining. The white peacocks spread their tails, while the birds chirped above them, their calls washing over the estate. Scorpius thought that nothing could ruin this perfect day until James opened his mouth. "I'm sorry. I just heard that you want to go back. I must be going deft."

James rolled his eyes. "Your sarcasm leaves something to be desired."

"Your stupidity is still top notch," Scorpius replied. "Would you like to explain your reasoning, or should we go with the idea that you're an idiot and move on?"

James swung his arm, backhanding Scorpius' stomach without any force behind it. "It's been three weeks. I'm clean and they haven't released any of the pictures. If I go back, I won't use anymore and those pictures will stay hidden."

Scorpius sniggered. "Right, you're not an idiot. You're a fucking idiot. How long do you think you'd be able to stay there and not use again?"

"I can do it!" James said.

"Sure, now that you're here and clean and away from all of those potions," Scorpius said. "James, I know you think that you're fine, but just because the physical addiction is gone, it doesn't mean that you're cured. It's not how it works."

James stopped abruptly. "I know, all right. I get it, but those pictures-"

Scorpius faced the other man and put his arm around James' waist. "Those pictures will stay buried. It's been taken care of."

"Your father-? I don't have much, but I can repay him, I'll work for him, do anything-"

"Please, stop talking, before you say something utterly creepy," Scorpius said, but he had a teasing smile on his face. "My father found the people involved, but there was no payment. They were… strongly persuaded that it would be in their best interest to surrender those pictures and videos. Everything has been destroyed. You're free, James."

James frowned. "You're lying."

Scorpius shook his head. "I'm not. I'll take a magical vow if that makes you believe me."

"Then why didn't you say something?" James asked. "It makes no sense. You knew how much I wanted those pictures. If you knew they were gone, why wouldn't you tell me?"

Scorpius stepped even closer. Three weeks of sleeping together meant that their personal space was non-existent, and when the hug arrived it was just as natural and James reacted without thinking, putting his arms around Scorpius. "I should have told you sooner," Scorpius whispered, "but I didn't want to upset you." He pulled back enough that he could look at James. "Please don't get angry."

James tensed. "What did you do, Scorpius?"

"Nothing, I swear, but Dad- He spoke to your father." Scorpius held tighter when James tried to pull back. "Only your father knows, but Dad needed the help in getting the pictures. Your father is… very persuasive when he needs to. They ended up going, the two of them. They didn't want to involve anyone else."

"Did they see them? Merlin… I can't… I need-"

"Breathe, James. You're having a panic attack. It's okay. It's fine. Dad said they used magic on the man holding them to ensure that those were the right pictures and that they had everything. No one saw them," he said, calmly. "It's okay, they are gone and no one looked at them. I promise. Not Dad, not your father, not me." He really hoped that he was telling the truth, but his father had assured him that they hadn't seen the pictures. Then again, he didn't put it past his father to lie so he wouldn't have to. "James, I need you to breathe with me."

"I need- I want-"

"Those potions you would never take?" Scorpius said, before hugging him again. "It's all right. We'll take a walk and you'll feel better."

James buried his head against the crook of Scorpius' neck and nodded. "I'm sorry."

Scorpius ran his fingers through James' hair while they talk. "For what?"

"Being a dick to you for years. You didn't have to bring me back, work your arse off with those potions or even miss work. You could have left me there and no one could have blamed him."

Scorpius squeezed James tight. "I couldn't have left you there and I couldn't stand back and not help you. You know that."

"Why? Because we used to fuck?" James asked.

"No," Scorpius said softly. "Because I was in love with you."


	10. Past, Present and Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius has kept things bottled up and it's time to tell James a few things

"Because I was in love with you."

James stepped back when he heard Scorpius' words. "You… that's not possible. Why didn't you say anything?"

"When? When was I supposed to say something?" Scorpius asked. "I was nineteen, you were twenty-one and made it abundantly clear that you didn't want to settle down. You wanted to concentrate on your career, remember? I wasn't going to stop you and besides, I thought we'd have plenty of time, and then… and then you disappeared, and I-" He stopped and closed his eyes as the pain hit him all over again. "I thought I lost you."

James wrapped his arms around Scorpius. "I'm sorry."

Scorpius shook his head, before opening his eyes again. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. It was seven years ago."

"But you're still helping me," James pointed out. "You still care. You could have left me there, told my father and let him deal with the situation, but you stayed and you've got me clean."

Scorpius smiled. "Don't get ahead of yourself, Potter. We're still working on getting you clean."

"I know. The urge is still there," James admitted with a sigh. "It won't go away magically, will it?"

Scorpius shook his head. "No, because that's in your head. No magic can help you with that. The key to recovery is knowing what you're facing and then being honest enough to ask for help. It's not worrying about me." He kissed James' cheek and pulled away from him. "We should go inside."

"Why didn't you have sex with me?" James asked while he started to walk.

"Excuse me? If I remember correctly, we spent plenty of time having sex," Scorpius said, laughing. "We were young and horny and there was never a closet we didn't want to try out."

James rolled his eyes. "I meant in Amsterdam."

Scorpius tensed. "Are you serious? When was I supposed to do that? When you thought that I was paying you for money? I'm sorry, James, but it's not my thing. Or was it when you were shaking from withdrawal and sneaking into the bathroom to drink more potions? Because again, not my thing."

James shrugged. "It's just sex."

Scorpius grabbed James' arm. "You're an arsehole. Maybe for you, but it was never just sex for me. You were my first and I was in love with you, do you understand? You would have been my only one, had you stayed, and it can never be 'just sex' with you, because I still bloody love you for no fucking logical reason. There's been a string of men, but I could never find the right one, because none of them were you and they never compared to my memories of you. So fuck you, it's not just sex. And now I'm going inside."

James watched Scorpius stalk away. The key to success was to ask for help, but how was he supposed to ask Scorpius for help when he'd end up hurting him? He slowly started walking toward the manor. Maybe it was time to tell his parents he was back.


	11. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James sees his family again

"Do I look okay?" James asked for the eight time.

Scorpius sighed before moving closer and smoothing the front of James' robe. "You look fine, but your parents won't care what you're wearing. They only care about you."

James kept clenching and unclenching his fists as he talked. "You haven't told them why they are here, did you?"

"No," Scorpius said, patiently. "They don't know why they are here, but Dad can only entertain them for so long before they start asking questions. We really should be going. It'll be all right, James. Trust me."

"I know; I'm being stupid. I _know_ , but- I'm nervous."

Scorpius sniggered. "Really? Never would have guessed. The fact that you kept waking me up all night long was not an indication at all."

"I'm sorry," James said, but he was grinning. "You didn't even get laid, poor you."

"You're a prick," Scorpius answered, with a matching smile. "Come on, my brave Gryffindor. Time to see the family."

"Yours?"

"Don't let it go to your head, Potter. It's just a saying," Scorpius said, but when James grabbed his hand, he didn't pull away. Together they walked into the living room. Albus was the first to see them and sprang up. Scorpius barely had time to pull his hand away that Albus was hugging James.

"Hey, little brother," James whispered. "I'm sorry." He barely had time to say it that Lily was hugging both of them. "You'll need to let go now."

Albus punched him in the arm. "I'm not letting you go."

"What he said," Lily put in.

James smiled. "Just long enough that I can say hello to Mum and Dad, okay?"

"Fine, but just for that," Lily said, before pulling Albus away.

James hesitated, staring at the floor for a moment and then looked up at his parents. "I'm-" He bit his lips, trying to push down the swell of emotions he was feeling.

Ginny didn't try. She let the tears of joy spill free while she hugged her son, letting go long enough for a brief hug from Harry.

"Scorpius, why don't we give them time," Draco said. "Please, stay as long as you need. The house elf will see you out."

James turned to look at the two Malfoys before calling Scorpius. "Can you stay?"

Draco raised an eyebrow in Scorpius' direction, but Scorpius reassured him with a smile. "It's fine, Dad. I'll be along promptly." He approached James again who gripped his hand so hard that Scorpius winced in pain and used his other hand to loosen the grip. "Why don't we sit down?" 

The moment they did, the questions started pouring out like a silver light wrapping around James and Scorpius could feel the tension building up. He barely held his tongue, but it was Harry who told everyone to quiet down. "James, Malfoy said that you wanted to talk to us. You should start talking."

"I- I guess I should start with saying that I am sorry for worrying you. I did something… something really stupid and I didn't know how to get out of it. I-" He looked at the floor in front of his feet and then shook his head, as if he couldn't speak anymore.

"It'll be okay," Scorpius said, gently, "but you need to explain."

James nodded, but didn't look up. "I became addicted to potions and- There's more, things that I don't want to talk about right now, but I thought you'd be better off without me, and before you say anything, I know it's not true, but I was so high, I couldn't think straight. Scorpius found me a month ago. It was by chance. We just happened to be in the same place. He wouldn't let me get away, pestered me and convinced me to come home."

"You've been here a month?" Ginny said.

"You didn't tell me anything," Albus told Scorpius.

"Don't be upset with him," James said. "He skipped work, and spent his time making potions to help me get clean or making sure I didn't go out and take something. It took some time and I asked him not to say anything until I was ready. I made him promise to wait until I was clean, but more important until I could face you." He finally looked up at his family. "And I'll promise not to run away again, but can we talk about you guys? I missed you and- I just need some time to tell you about what happened. Please."

Ginny was the first one to smile. "Of course, love, it's not like we don't have plenty to tell you. You don't know what your Uncle George has done."

The stories started and James relaxed against Scorpius, and when someone told him a story that Scorpius had already told him, he grinned and pretended that it was the first time he had heard it. They went on and on for so long that they found themselves having dinner with the Malfoys. By the time they left, James felt a lot better.


	12. Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James talks to his father.

"Dad?" James wasn't sure that he should just Floo in, but Scorpius told him not to be an idiot and this was his parents' home and they'd never stop him from getting in. More importantly, it stopped anyone from seeing him since he wasn't ready to go public.

"In the kitchen," Harry called out.

When James entered, there was already a cup of tea ready for him. He looked around. "I like the new colour."

"I forgot we changed it. It's been a while, we painted it-" He hummed. "I think it was five years ago. Your mother got tired of the wall paper."

"Really? It thought she loved it," he said, sitting down.

Harry snorted. "She hated it from the first moment, but you had your heart set on it. Five year old and opinionated like a hundred year old. You mother never had the heart to tell you how much she didn't like it."

"She finally could get rid of it then," James said, trying to smile.

"She couldn't look at it, because it reminded her of you," Harry said, coldly. "Why are you here, James? I don't need some story; I know what happened. I found out from Malfoy, and then I had to go to a foreign country to scare the crap out of some pimps so I could get pictures of my son whoring himself out to support his vice. Did I get any part wrong?"

James looked down and shook his head. "No… I'm sorry, Dad. I really- I was there that first night and I didn't know what I was taking-"

"You shouldn't have taken anything. You should have stayed and worked the case," Harry said. "That's what Aurors do."

"I couldn't, Dad," James said, looking up with tears in his eyes. "That child was dead because of me and no one seemed to care."

Harry banged his hand on the table. "Is that what you think? That I don't care? That your uncle doesn't care? We all care, but we know that sometimes there are casualties and there is nothing you can do, but you don't stop fighting. Instead, you fight harder so their deaths mean something. You _do not_ give up, but that's exactly what you did, and you failed that little boy and hurt your entire family in the process. Your mother might be so happy that she can forget, but I can't forget what you did, the way you made everyone feel, and if you want forgiveness, you have some major work ahead of you."

"I know. I do. Why do you think I'm staying at the Malfoys?" James asked.

"Because Scorpius apparently will do anything to cover for you," Harry answered.

"He-" James smiled a little. "It's true, I don't know what I would have done without him. I know you think I'm weak and this won't help, but he _has_ been there, helping, telling me that it'll be all right, holding me when the shakes from the withdrawal got to be too much, brushing my hair when I was puking my guts out. He doesn't cover for me, Dad; he supports me. I know that's not something you seem to understand. We all have to be strong and stand up for ourselves, isn't that your thing? Some of us aren't as strong as you. We need people in our lives. Or maybe it's just me."

"So now it's my fault somehow," Harry said.

James shook his head. "No, of course not, but I was twenty-one, Dad, and I've grown up with the press right there. I snapped. I'm sorry, but I just- I couldn't stay here and then- I will prove you that I know better, that I've grown, but I do need help and Scorpius is giving me the help I need, and that's why I'm staying there." He pushed away the tea and got up. "If you can let Mum know that I stopped by. I'll try some other day when she's home." He stopped at the door and turned to look at his father. "For what it's worth, I am sorry that I let you down."

Harry watched him go without a word.


	13. Comfort

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finds comfort in a strange place.

"James, are you all right?" Draco cursed himself for getting involved, but Scorpius was at work and James had returned from Potter's house looking like someone had killed his kneazle. He hadn't said anything at the start and James had gone to Scorpius' room, but then the house elf had come in, warning that James was behaving erratically and Draco had found himself walking into his son's room.

"Yes, I'm fine," James said while opening and closing drawers.

"Do you need anything? Perhaps I can help you find it," Draco said, closing the door and stepping closer. "If it's potions-"

"No, I know there aren't any, but I could swear I'd left chocolate here, and that helps, until-" He stopped and frowned. "I'm being an idiot. I could have just called a house elf and gotten some chocolate, but I'm not used to having them around, and I keep thinking that I should do it myself-" The rambling ended as tears started to fall.

Draco stepped in and hugged the young man. He didn't expect James to lean closer and wrapping his arms around him. It reminded him of the times when Scorpius needed a comforting dad more than logic. "It's all right, James. It's natural to get overwhelmed. No one will judge you for that."

"Dad will. He was home, and- I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough," he said.

Draco snorted. "I've heard it all before. Your father has a tendency to come out with edicts like that. I believe I was the target of a few of them in our youth, but then he changed his mind. Al heard his fair share when he was sorted in Slytherin and through the years, did he not? But then your father realised that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a Slytherin. He'll come around, you'll see. He's a stubborn arse and needs time, that's all."

"I'm not very patient."

"You don't say," Draco said, laughing. He let go as James pulled away. "You can't force this, just like you can't force your recovery. You have to take it one day at a time and let the change be slow and organic, because pushing either your recovery or your father will only backfire."

James sat down on the bed, his eyes drilled on the floor. "He said he'll never forget. He doesn't know if he can forgive me either." 

"Of course he will, as soon as he stops being angry for not protecting you. You might not know this, but your father has a hero complex and a guilty complex bigger than this mansion. He thinks it's his job to protect _everyone_. That need is even worse with his own children," Draco explained. "And now he's angry, not with you, but with himself for failing to do his job as a father. Give him time to forgive himself, and then he can forgive you."

"He called me a whore," James said.

Draco raised an eyebrow and waited until James looked up. "You were a whore, you are also an addict and pretending otherwise won't help either one of you. You want to be angry because he's a self-righteous arse, then fine, but you can't be angry because he says the truth."

James ran his fingers through his hair. "I- I know, but- the way he said it, the tone. There was so much disgust."

"He discovered that his son was selling himself to buy potions and to prevent a scandal. I'm sure he's already come up with at least ten reasons why that's his fault too, what he could have done to prevent it, and why he didn't." Draco didn't say that everything was always about Potter, no matter what, simply because it sounded petty, even if accurate. "I'm telling you, just give him some time."

James nodded. "Thank you. I don't know what I would have done it without you and Scorpius. I really owe you."

Draco smiled. "You do and I will collect, because unlike your father I don't forget that easily. You hurt Scorpius again and I will destroy you. Is that clear?"

"I don't want to. I didn't want the first time either. I just- I had no idea." James bit his lip. "I haven't been with someone I liked for years. I don't even know if… if I'll be comfortable enough any time soon, but I know that I enjoy spending time with Scorpius and not just because he's helping. He's sarcastic and calm and self-assured, and I would have hated it before I left, but now it's… nice. I've had enough of wild adventures and rush decision. I'm not saying that we'll get together. I can't think of that right now and he knows that, but we can be friends. I'm not disappearing from his life again."

Draco sighed. "I suppose that's the best I can ask for, but James, until your father gets his head out of his arse, if you need to talk to someone other than Scorpius, my door is always open. Now, why don't you get ready? Scorpius should be home soon and we'll have dinner. Aunt Andromeda is coming over."

"Teddy will find out."

Draco nodded. "And that means that you should consider having your mother tell everyone. It'll give you the chance to see everyone separately instead of one big group." That was still overwhelming for Draco, on the few occasion he'd joined Scorpius at Albus' parties. "You can worry about that later, though. Now, get cleaned up and dressed. I'll have a house elf bring you chocolate."

James got up and hugged him again. Draco smiled gently. He'd just have to take care of this boy until Potter grew some sense.


	14. Brothers and Sisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James goes to talk to Albus

James wanted to hide. After his visit with his father, he had planned on avoiding the rest of the family for a while, but Scorpius had strongly suggested that he go visit Albus. He knew that it was because Scorpius was at work and today Draco was busy and neither one wanted to leave him at home with Lucius and Narcissa, because they wouldn't care what he got into.

He left Malfoy Manor right before Draco, Flooing straight into Albus' living room. He was tempted to just go back, but his brother was right there. "Hey, I hope I'm not bothering,"

Albus waved a hand, before trusting a cup of tea in his hand. "Come in, sit down. It's just you and me. Primrose is out with Pansy to look at wedding dresses."

"Primrose is your fiancée, right? Scorpius said she's lovely. And Pansy? Is that her sister?"

Albus laughed. "One, Scorpius is very partial, because they've been friends since they were babies. Two, Pansy Parkinson Nott is her mother. Scorpius calls her Aunt Pansy even now, and that should give you an idea of how close they are. Three, we need to start getting you a dress robe."

"For the wedding?" James felt like he was always one step behind in this discussion. "Of course, Scorpius said that you've been waiting. I'm so-"

"Don't finish that sentence, Jamie. You're not sorry. You might be sorry of the consequences, but you've never been sorry for anything in your life. I don't want the lies now," Albus said.

"It's not a lie," James said softly. "You're right, I wasn't one to look back and regret what I'd done, but things have changed. I regret _so much_ , and not being there for you and Lily is one of the things I regret. I am sorry and I will show you."

Albus frowned. "Who are you and what have you done to my brother?" 

"I've spent seven years high, fucking people for money. It's what Dad didn't want you to know, why he kept changing the subject any time someone asked me what I did."

"How did he know? How long has he known?" Albus asked coldly.

James put the cup down and then looked at his brother. "Draco told him, because there were incriminating pictures and videos of me and… others. And only a couple of days before the rest of you. I didn't know he knew. Draco didn't tell me. Probably because I would have told him not to involve Dad, but also because he wanted me to talk to all of you when I was ready. " He took a deep breath. "I'm not sure if I'm still ready."

"Why, though? It's just us. We're family and you're not telling everyone else and we have to keep this secret, but it's not right. Our grandparents, uncles and aunts, they all deserve to know," Albus said.

"Just us," he said with another sigh. "Do you know what Dad told me?"

"No, but Dad is Dad. He will always have something to say unless you're perfect, and Jamie, I know this is hard for you to understand, but you're not perfect. You never were," Albus said with a grin.

James pushed his shoulder, but smiled. "It's one of the many lessons I've learned, but it's more than not being perfect. I'm really fucked up, Al. Really, really fucked up." He pushed his sleeve up and showed a tattoo of a lion on his wrist. "I got this to remind me that I was brave. After I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists, and you know something? I still kept thinking about doing it when I wasn't high. "

Albus looked at the tattoo. "Merlin, James, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

"It's fine; it's not why I told you. I'm starting to deal with everything that happened-"

"Getting clean isn't easy," Al said. "We see it more and more at St. Mungo's as recreational potions are becoming a thing. If I can help."

"Possibly. Scorpius insists that I need to see a Healer and he's not enough. I don't know why. He got me clean," James said.

"Because he can't be everything for you and because he's not a professional," Al said. "He can't be a friend and a Healer. You need both. It's why I wouldn't be on your case either. I'd rather be your brother than your Healer."

James smiled. "I'd like that. I suppose that I'll get around to that. I still have to talk to Mom and Lily, and I want to get to know Primrose, if you're okay with that, but… You talk like the past seven years didn't happen, but just remember how fucked up I am, and if you don't want me to spend time with her-"

Albus hugged him tight. "You're my brother, Jamie. We'll figure things out together and you'll get to meet Primrose, and slowly we'll get back to being the family we were, and we're going to start by going to see Lily. We can spend the day together. Come on, time to meet your little sister again. She'll ask a lot more questions than I will, though, so be ready."

Albus didn't lie, Lily was full of questions, but by the time James got back to Malfoy Manor, he felt better. He even agreed to make an appointment with a Healer.


	15. Transference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the passing of time, James isn't sure if he should stay at Malfoy Manor.

Another month passed and James was still living at the manor. He was clean and seeing a Healer regularly. There were days when he believed that everything would be all right and then there were days when he didn't believe that he'd ever have a normal life again. Today had been one of those days. "Mum suggested that I move in with them now that the family knows."

They were lounging in the sitting room, sprawled on opposite sides of a large couch. James looked at Scorpius and smiled a little. Scorpius was dressed as informal as he ever got with a robe and socks and slippers instead of shoes. Scorpius' definition of informal left something to be desired.

Scorpius put down the bbok he was reading and frowned. "Do you want to leave?"

James shrugged. "She thinks it's best. I've been living with you for three months, and in another month Albus is getting married and then the Christmas holidays-"

"It's August and Albus is getting married in September. There's three more months to Christmas," Scorpius said amused.

"You know my family. They ring the new year and start preparing for the next Christmas. It is useful when you have that many relatives," he said with a forced smile.

"True enough, but that doesn't answer my question. Do you want to leave?" Scorpius asked again.

"My Healer talked about space and boundaries-"

Scorpius tensed at the comment. "If you don't want to leave and you need space, you could use one of the guest rooms. You don't have to stay with me anymore. There are plenty of rooms in this house and you don't have to leave just because you don't want to sleep with me anymore."

"I don't-"

"That's fine, we'll find you a room."

"Could you listen to me?" James snapped. "I don't want to stop sleeping with you. That's not the problem. The opposite is the problem. I want to spend time with you, and I want to sleep with you, and I want to feel you close to me, and everyone is so worried about me, but-" He slide across the couch and put his arms around Scorpius. Scorpius responded immediately, hugging him back, while James nuzzled his neck. "I don't want to hurt you again. You don't deserve it."

Scorpius ran his hand up and down James' back, the way James liked it. "Is that what's gotten you in a mood?" he asked, chuckling.

"This is serious. You-" James pulled back enough that they could look at each other. "You said you loved me, and here we are, doing everything together, and I'm enjoying it, but everyone keeps telling me that it might just be a case of transference and how it's not real, and what if they are right? What if after I get better, I-"

"What? Stop talking to me? Disappear for another seven years?" Scorpius said, coldly. "Are you really suggesting that you'd do that? Or are you implying that I'm helping because I want to get laid? James, I'm helping you, because of us, what we had, and because of Albus, and because I thought we were friends. If that fire we used to have is still there, then great, but if not, I will be happy anyway, because you're home and healthy."

James rested his head against Scorpius's chest. "I don't know if healthy is a word I'd use. I still can't let people touch me for long. It's like- I want to hug them, they are my family, but if they hold on for too long, my skin is crawling and I have to go into my head, think of something else. It's how I used to- You know? When I had sex. You're the only one I can touch and stay present."

"James, I know it feels like it's been a lifetime for you and the better you get, the more impatient you get, because that's just who you are, but it's only been three months. I know I keep saying it, but it takes time. Until then, you can stay in my room, you can talk to your Healer and I can be your friend."

"And what do I tell my mother?" he said with a sigh.

Scorpius grinned. "That's easy. That you'd never get any privacy because all of your relatives would drop by at any moment and you're not well enough for that. She'll understand and it's better than the real reason."

James frowned. "What would that be?"

"That you can't be without me," Scorpius said, laughing, before James tossed a pillow at him, and as they started to joke around, James started to believe once again that he might just be all right.


	16. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James has new feelings and doesn't handle them properly

"Kiss me!"

Scorpius closed the door of their bedroom and turned around. "What?"

James moved closer. "I said, kiss me."

"I heard you, I'm just wondering if you've lost your mind." Before he could say more, James had him pressed against the door. Their mouths met hungrily. James pushed his tongue into Scorpius' mouth, while his hands seem to know exactly how and where to touch as he pressed their bodies together, rocking against each other. 

It was intoxicating and familiar, so similar to seven years ago and yet different. Scorpius moaned against James' lips. It felt so good, and James was so blood perfect, and he canted his hips, and that was when it finally hit him. He was hard, and James- James was going through the motions for some reason.

Scorpius pushed him away. "What games are you playing?"

"What? Nothing, no games. I thought you'd want-"

"I'd want, what exactly? To get off? To force you into something you're clearly not ready for." Scorpius pressed his hand against James' cock. "This doesn't lie. The way you flinch when I do that doesn't lie either." He gripped James' hips, but instead of pulling him closer, he kept him at a distance. "What is it, James? You promised that you'd talk to me."

James shrugged. "You've been working late."

Scorpius frowned. "Right? I told you we have a new project."

"That you can't talk about."

"That kind of comes with the job. I am an Unspeakable. The only reason you know is because you were an Auror when I got the job." He tilted his head. "I don't understand. I won't share the details of my job and you think that sex is the answer?" That didn't seem right.

James tensed up. "Of course not. I wasn't using sex to get information. I gave up whoring, remember?"

Scorpius cupped James' jaw. "I meant- I don't know what I meant. I'm trying to understand and I honestly don't, but I want to make sure that you're all right."

"Do you?" James pulled away and stared pacing. "You're the one always doing the overtime."

"Because I took plenty of time off when I found you and I'm still taking days off. I'm making them up this way. James, for Merlin's sake, what the hell is going on?"

James glared at him. "If you want to date that Euripides, Wigbert, Fesnston, whatever his name is, you don't have to lie to me either. You come home late, smelling of him, and then you tell me that I'm supposed to talk to you, be honest, while you're shagging Gustav."

Scorpius raised his eyebrow. "Do you mean Jack? Who's making up for all the time he's been taking off, because his wife Amelia is sick and can't take care of their newborn, Olivia? The one who doesn't have an unique name, is straight and very much the family man? I don't know how I could keep from you my turbid love affair."

"How am I supposed to know that? You don't talk about it," James snapped.

"Because you aren't supposed to know the names of the bloody Unspeakable and you know that!" Scorpius pinched the bridge of his nose. "Even if you were right-"

"You smell like him."

"I.Do.Not. I'm not having an affair with a married straight man. Wait, why are we even talking about this? Are you-" He stepped closer to James, but stopped when the other man stepped back. "Are you jealous?"

"I… maybe… yes. When you started working late, coming home smelling like him- at first I didn't even know why I was so angry. My Healer suggested that maybe I was jealous that you weren't spending enough time with me and that's when I figured it out." James sat on the bed and buried his face in his hands. "I'm sorry. You deserve a real life, with a real boyfriend."

The bed dipped when Scorpius sat next to him. "And you thought that if you gave me sex, then you could be that boyfriend?" He put an arm around James. "For seven years, you've had sex while high, you associate it with being forced to do something you didn't want to. Did you really think that we could start a relationship based on you being forced to have sex? Look at me, James."

Scorpius smiled when James raised his head. "Would you like to go out with me? On a date," he clarified. "Seven years ago, it was mostly about sex, let's do things right this time."

"Would you really consider it?" James asked with a frown.

"I've already considered it and I know it's hard for a Gryffindor to understand when they aren't the one jumping in first, but I just asked you out," Scorpius said with a smirk. "This is where you tell me yes."

"Or I turn you down," James teased, sounding a bit like he used to, even though they both knew that he had no intention of turning Scorpius down. "The press will know I'm back."

"It's been almost four months and Al's wedding is in ten days. Let the press go crazy now and this way the spotlight will stay on him on his wedding day." He brushed James' hair out of his face. "So what do you say? Brave enough to see where this will go?"

"Don't know about being brave, but I'm not stupid enough to pass up the chance." James leaned against Scorpius. "I'm sorry I can't- I thought I could, I really did. I didn't think that I'd put you in that position. I do like the kissing, though. We can do that. What do you say?"

Scorpius grinned. "I say, kiss me."


	17. Dating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius and James go on their first date

"You okay?" Scorpius asked for the fifth time in last hour. They had decided to go out for dinner. It was the first time that James was out in public after his seven-year absence and they agreed that an upscale restaurant would give them slightly more protection than walking up and down Diagon Alley.

At first people had barely paid attention to him. The talk was all about Scorpius Malfoy and his date, but then people had started to notice. The waiter had been the first, possibly helped by hearing James' name. After that, the news started to spread and too many people were staring. "James, are-"

"If you ask me again, I'll hex you." James looked around. The tension was visible in every muscle, in the rigid way he moved, the tight fists around his napkin. He leaned forward and lowered his voice even though Scorpius had cast privacy spells. "I'm not okay, all right. Is that what you want to hear? Everyone is staring, and tomorrow my name will be on every stupid paper, and then they will start speculating about what I did and where I was. This is one time when the truth will not make things better, and I've always known what to do and what to say in public and with the press, but right now I feel lost. I've been back four months, but I've never left your house except to go to my parents' or the Burrow or some other relative's home. It's been like living in a bubble, like I wasn't really back, but I am and I don't know how to act."

Scorpius reached over the table for James' hand, but stopped short. "Maybe this wasn't a good idea."

"Stop that. Stop trying to protect me," James snapped. "I know you're trying to help, but I can't live the rest of my life without leaving your house. Merlin knows I'm already driving everyone crazy. Your grandfather's hand twitches every time he sees me. Pretty sure he wants to hex me," he added with a tiny smile.

"I'm pretty sure you're correct," Scorpius answered with a grin. "And I know all of that, but I don't want to push you into doing anything you aren't ready for."

"I'll never be ready if I don't try." He sighed. "My Healer says that I should accept my past, because it's the only way to move forward, and maybe he knows what he's talking about, but he's also a bloody idiot. I don't want to embrace what I did. I want to ensure that no one finds out what I did."

"Right, because your ego is more important than your recover," Scorpius teased.

James grinned. "My modesty is my kryptonite."

"Or lack thereof," Scorpius said, laughing. "Seriously, though, this is personal. I know what he said, but I don't think that embracing your past means sharing it with the world. Come up with some reason you weren't here. The case took a toll, you didn't want the Division, your father or the case to suffer. You also needed time for yourself. You decided to move to … Australia, it's far enough that people won't check and their Ministry doesn't keep track of people like the Americans. You were in communication with your family and none of you wanted to make it public. It's simple, can't be checked and really no one should have any say on what you do."

"What about you?" James asked.

"What about me?" Scorpius asked confused.

James slid his hand forward until their fingertips were touching. "Do you get to have a say in what I do?" 

"What you do in the present or what you did in the past? Because if you're asking me about your past, then no I don't have a say either. I don't like it, I hate that you were forced into it, and I do want to hurt the person who started you down that path, but I don't judge you. If that's the question," Scorpius answered.

"That's good to know, but it wasn't the question. Do we- are we-" James closed his eyes for a moment. "Do you want us to be a couple? When I can't- you know?"

"I want us to be a couple, James. I'm not waiting for the day you can fuck. I'm waiting for the day you're comfortable enough with the idea," he said with a smile.

"I am," James said.

"Ask me again in a few weeks," Scorpius said, gently. "Get out of the house, see people who aren't me or your cousins, and if you still want to, then we can be anything you want."

James beamed. Two weeks, he could wait a few weeks. Until then, he'd try to get used to this dating thing.


	18. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Albus' wedding.

His little brother was getting married. James wasn't sure how he felt about that. With the exception of Hugo, all of his cousins were married and most had children. Lily was married and pregnant, and now Albus. It didn't feel right. He should have been there when they got married and when they had their children. Hell, he should have been one of the first, but life had passed him by.

"Have you ever been to India during Holi?"

James blinked and turned toward the woman asking that very random question. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I read you were in Pakistan, and since they are bordering countries-"

"I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I wasn't in Pakistan," he said. "Now, if you'll excuse me." James went straight for where Albus and Scorpius were talking. "So far, I've been told that I lived in Pakistan, Tibet, Canada, Madagascar, Brazil. I'm keeping a tally."

"What did you expect? You come back after seven years, won't say anything. People are going to make shit up." Albus clapped James' back. "Besides, it doesn't matter. Lily will pop that baby out in a few weeks and then everyone will worry about Harry Potter's first grandchild and forget all about you."

"There you go. Pushed off from the headlines by a baby who can't do anything but sleep and eat," Scorpius added with a grin.

"You two are horrible; I hope you know that." He put an arm around Scorpius, looking at him with a questioning look on his face and relaxed when Scorpius smiled back.

"So are you two a thing again?"

"No," Scorpius said at the same time that James said, "Yes."

Albus snorted. "Good to see that once again, you two are on the same page. Even if the roles are reversed this time around."

"I told him that he should give himself time," Scorpius explained.

"Why?" Albus asked with a frown. "You've been in love with him since school."

"What? That's not-" James turned to Scorpius, but the resigned look on Scorpius' face answered the question he hadn't asked. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it was you and you were out of school and going through training. " Scorpius shrugged. "I knew it was senseless to say anything. You weren't paying attention to me, and then we got together and I heard the speech about not wanting to be tied down every other day. Still, that was a long time ago and I've not been in love with you all of this time."

Albus choked on the champagne he was drinking. "Right. And who's the one who followed every lead about where James might be?"

"You," Scorpius deadpanned.

"True, but you were right there with me. Almost everyone had given up. He's dead somewhere. James would never stay away this long. _You_ were the only one who believed me, the only one who kept saying that he was all right and we'd find him, and you did."

"It was random," Scorpius answered, not wanting to take credit for something that had been an accident.

"Maybe, or maybe it was fate," Albus answered. "My family has a history with fate, and maybe this was meant to be. The point is that this idiot-"

"Hey, I'm still here," James said.

"Right, my loving, idiotic brother finally sees what an amazing person you are and wants to date you. Stop being so selfless and get on with it."

Scorpius didn't answer, instead nodded toward the side. "Your wife is calling."

Albus grinned. "My wife. I like the sound of it and now I have to go or she'll get upset and then she'll find creative ways to make me pay for it. She's so devilishly evil. I love her."

Scorpius laughed as Albus joined his wife for pictures. "Primrose really is devilishly evil, and… you're not paying attention to her," he said when he saw the way James was staring at him. "What?"

"Is it because of what I used to do? I know you said it's not important, but-"

Scorpius leaned into James, resting his head on James' shoulder. "It's because you're unsure enough that you keep asking me that, even after I told you that it isn't. I don't want you to be with me, because it's easy, but because it's what you want to. If Albus is right and it was meant to be, then we'll get there."

"You're gorgeous," James whispered. "Have you ever thought we'd be together?"

Scorpius raised his head and their lips brushed against each other in a gentle kiss. "Always, James. I always believed that eventually you'd find a way back. To me. But what I thought and reality are different things. Let's not rush this." He put his own arm around James. "Have you ever-"

James groaned. "What now?"

"Wanted to dance with me?" Laughing, Scorpius pulled James to the dance floor. Joking was much easier than to think of the future.


	19. The Bath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius prepares for a quiet night alone, but things never go as planned with James.

Scorpius loved having James here. After four and a half months, he still wasn't tired of living together, no matter what his father had said, but he enjoyed the rare moments when he was. Like tonight. He came back from work and went to his bathroom. He soaked in his tub, while sipping a glass of wine. His hand moved slowly over his cock, getting hard, but not getting himself off. It was so rare that he had the opportunity to come that he wanted to enjoy it.

When he was relaxed, he got out of his tub. He cast a drying spell, cock still hard, intending to finish himself off in his very large bed, while fucking himself with one of those new dildos spelled to move like a real cock. He walked to his room, wine still in hand and then- "You- I thought- weren't you- Fuck." He summoned his silk robe and put it on.

"Stuttering?" James was sitting on the bed and looked at Scorpius with a very amused expression in his face. "And it looks like you were having fun."

"Fuck you," Scorpius answered before draining his glass. "Weren't you spending the evening at the Burrow?"

James shrugged. "It got too crowded and loud. Too many people starting asking questions, and then we started a round of 'when will you grow up, get a job, get married, have children?'. My father was nice enough to let them know that I'm too irresponsible for a job or children. My mother snapped at him, arguments started. I left while they were all yelling at each other. I don't think they noticed that I left. And do you plan on standing there with that ridiculous robe on all night long?"

Scorpius sighed. "It might be a possibility. A cold shower might be the other."

"Or you could come here and we can take care of it. I'm told that I'm really good," James said with a grin.

"James." The warning was clear in Scorpius' voice.

"What? Will we pretend that I can't suck cock like a pro? You're the one who keeps going on and on about accepting what I did, because it wasn't my fault, and then what? We'll pretend that I was some celibate monk?" James bit his lip, as he tried to make sense of his own thoughts before he could explain them to Scorpius. "I want to do this."

Scorpius raised an eyebrow. "You want to suck my cock?"

"No, yes, maybe." He shook his head. "I want to be with you. I don't know how far I can go, but I want to try, because I'm tired of punishing you and me for what others did to me. I- Not penetration, I don't think I can, not yet."

Scorpius joined him in bed, lying next to him. "We'll take it slow and if it becomes too much, then we stop." He smiled. "There's always that cold shower."

James sniggered. "Maybe we can avoid it. Maybe-" He trailed off as he leaned closer and kissed Scorpius, who rolled on his back pulling James on top of him. It wasn't the first time that they made out. It wasn't even the first time that Scorpius got hard, but that usually meant an ending, instead this was a beginning. 

Pulling on the silk belt, James opened the robe and let his hand moved over Scorpius' body. "God, your skin is so soft."

Scorpius chuckled. "Thanks to all those lotions you make fun of." He nipped James' lip, while he kept his hands on his back, letting James set the pace, but when James' lips fastened on his neck, Scorpius bucked up, pushing his erection against James' hip. The sweet friction made him moan. "Take your clothes off."

"Is that an order?" James knew that he had asked the wrong thing the moment he felt Scorpius tense under him. "Shit, I'm sorry. I know it's not. I was teasing, I-"

"I know, it's all right." Scorpius cupped James' face. "Do you know how much I want you?" He canted his hips, pressing their crotches together, and gasping at the sensation of his naked cock against James' trousers. "This is what you do to me, James, and I don't want to wait, but I will for as long as you need me to, but we need to stop worrying about every little thing we say, and I'm as guilty of that as you are. We're bound to have a few false starts."

James kissed the inside of Scorpius' wrist, before getting up to take his clothes off. When he got back to bed, Scorpius had gotten rid of the robe and James took a good look at the other man. "You're gorgeous."

"Says the man who looks like a Greek statue," Scorpius answered, before kissing James, feeling him relax once more.

They were like teenagers discovering sex again, touching and rubbing with uncertainty, cautious and wary, but with each new kiss, they became more confident; with each new touch, they were bolder. Scorpius hooked his leg with James' and used the purchase to push himself against his lover. 

James closed his hand around their cocks and started to fist them. He kept his eyes on Scorpius, almost questioning if this was okay, if Scorpius was enjoying, even though he could see that he was, and then it simply wasn't enough, not if he wanted this to feel right again. "Can I- I want to-"

"Who's stuttering now?" Scorpius grinned. "You can do whatever you want."

"I want… I want to fuck you," James whispered.

Laughter bubbled up Scorpius' chest and he grinned up at James. "Merlin, yes."

"You don't-"

"Stop it. Stop overthinking this. You want to fuck me. I want you to fuck me and I haven't shagged properly in five months. Can we get on with it?" Scorpius said.

"Five months? You didn't have to- Just because I'm here-"

Scorpius grabbed James from the back of his neck and pulled him down for a crashing kiss, while he wrapped his legs around James' waist. "I want you," he breathed out. "You, James, just you."

James stared at Scorpius for a moment and then grinned. "I know a spell."

"I trust you."

Summoning his wand, James cast a lubrication spell and then he pushed slowly inside Scorpius. He rested on top of Scorpius, moving in and out with a slow rhythm, feeling Scorpius' cock slide against his stomach with each thrust. Scorpius held him tight while they kissed. Their breathing shortened and became harsher, but neither spoke up, almost afraid to break something that felt like perfection. Scorpius took James' hand and brought it to his cock, eyes always locked on each other.

Scorpius was the first to come, fighting to keep his eyes open until he simply couldn't anymore. Blissful darkness came as James rocked inside him until he too was coming. Scorpius didn't let go, holding James tight as their lungs stop fighting for oxygen, but then he felt the tears on his shoulder. "James, are you all right?"

James nodded without raising his head. "I didn't think it could feel this right again."

Scorpius smiled. It did feel right and they had their future to make it feel even better.


	20. The Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius loses a bet with Albus.

"What the hell?" James stared at Scorpius horrified by the sight in front of him. "Did you lose a bet?"

"How did you know?" Scorpius asked confused.

"You're wearing a bright pink robe."

"Magenta."

"What?"

"It's not bright pink; it's magenta."

"It's the same fucking thing." James shook his head. "So what was this bet?'

"I saw Albus this morning," Scorpius started, still standing far away from the couch James was occupying.

"Of course my brother is involved," he said, laughing. "So what's this bet?"

"At the wedding, after we talked… well he started spouting shit, and said that we'd be shagging like rabbits before the month was over, and really he got married in the middle of the month, what were the chances of us-"

"You _told him_. Merlin, Scorpius, he came back from his honeymoon last night. You lasted less than twelve hours. I thought you wanted to keep it quiet."

"I did, I do!" Scorpius finally stepped in and went to sit on James' lap. "I don't know how to lie to Albus. I didn't even say anything. He looked at me and knew. The bastard knew. I didn't have to say anything."

James put his arms around Scorpius and rolled his eyes. "You two are impossible. Fine, so the bet was that you would wear this stupid robe and- No way my brother let you off with that."

"And we're having dinner at his place tonight." He buried his head against James' neck. "All of our friends will be there and I'm wearing this stupid robe and I can't even say why."

"Hey-" James pulled back and forced Scorpius to look up. "I'd like to say that I didn't make a bet, so I don't know why I'm supposed to spend the night with a bunch of Slytherins, but if I'm forced to do it to keep my boyfriend company, then fuck it. We do it the Gryffindor way. You get there late to make sure everyone is there and then you announce that the robe was because of the bet and you totally got to fuck the most handsome bloke around. Scorpius, what the hell- Why are you smiling like an idiot? Are you listening to me?"

"I stopped at 'my boyfriend," Scorpius said with a grin.

"You're as big an idiot as Albus," James said, chuckling. "Yes, my boyfriend. It took me seven years and a lot of stupidity to realise that it's what we were all along."

"And you want me to do it the Gryffindor way in a room filled with Slytherins." He nodded. "All right, as long as I'm with my boyfriend, I can do anything."


	21. The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At a Quiddith game, James has the chance to talk to his family.

"Slide over." Louis gave the order while pushing James to the side of the bleachers so that he, his wife and his son could sit. 

Today was the Cannon v. Harpies match and every Weasley, spouse and child was in Uncle Ron's box, the only man to actually have a box for the Cannons. When he was little, James had sat with his uncle through every home game, at least until he'd gotten old enough to understand that the other teams were better. He had never been a Harpies fan, but Lily was playing for them, and apparently now the entire family showed up for this Quidditch match.

James wanted to go back to Malfoy Manor, back where it was quiet and roomy, where the Malfoys never pushed him and touched him and talked loudly. He was gripping his robe so hard that he thought he might rip it.

"Everything all right?" Louis asked. "You look tense. It's probably all that time you've been living in that house. What is it now? Four months?"

"Five and a half," James said, "but I like it there." He jumped when someone suddenly gripped his shoulder, trying to relax when he saw that it was just Lucy.

"Wow, jumpy munch?" She grinned. "And Louis is right. You might not know it, but that house has to impact you. It certainly gives me the creeps."

"That's because you're Gryffindors," Albus said as he arrived with his wife. "Prim, tell them."

"As if it would help. Let the Gryffindors live in the ignorance," she said with a grin before kissing Albus.

"I'm a Gryffindor," James muttered, but no one was paying attention. He closed his eyes and tried to push everything away, but they wouldn’t even let him do that in peace, because he could feel a reshuffling all around him and when he opened his eyes, his mother was sitting where Louis was sitting. "Hey, Mum."

She took his hand between hers and smiled at him. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Everyone just needs to stop asking me that." His tone was snippy even though it wasn't her fault. "Sorry."

"It's all right. I'm just happy that you're here, doing things with us," she said, smiling at him. "You've been back for months, but it almost feels like you're still not back."

"I come to Sunday dinners at the Burrows," he said, defensively. Even those were terribly loud and it'd taken some time to get adjusted to them once again.

"I know, love, and I'm not blaming you for anything. I just…I miss having you around all the time like I used to. You used to stop by after work, stay over on the weekends-"

"That's when Dad didn't hate my guts," he said.

"Yes, that's when Dad hated my guts," Albus said from the next bleacher.

"Your father doesn't hate either one of you," Ginny said. "He can be… a little judgemental at times, but he loves you both."

James snorted. "Sure, as long as we're perfect. Too bad that I failed miserably at being perfect."

Albus rubbed James' shoulders while he leaned down to kiss the top of his head. "Stop worrying, okay? No one is ever as perfect as Dad, no matter how much we try."

"Your father is hardly perfect, and he knows that. He's also very late," Ginny said with a sigh.

"Probably busy saving the world before lunch time," Albus said, making James snort. 

"Oh Albus, would you knock it off. Your father is perfectly-"

"There you go. You're married to him and even you think is perfect," Albus said added with a grin.

Ginny laughed. "You're a terrible son, twisting my words, and if there's someone who knows he's not perfect, that would be me. Now stop with this perfection thing before I ground you."

"Sorry, Mum, you can't ground me anymore," Albus answered.

"That's my job now," Primrose added, sticker her tongue out, before Albus was kissing her again.

"Newlyweds," Ginny murmured, but she smiled at her son, before turning to James again. "Whatever you dad said, I'm sure he didn't mean it."

"Oh he did, Mum. He certainly did," James said.

"Fine, maybe he did, but he wasn't talking for me and that's still my house and I want you there. Please stop by more. If you want to. I really would like that." She leaned closer and lowered her voice. "And if this is too much, you can leave. I'll cover for you."

"It's… overwhelming, but I want to watch the game. I've never really seen Lily play and I want to."

"Is there anything I can do to make things better for today?" 

James shook his head and then patted the spot to his right that he'd left open. "Scorpius should be here soon. He had something at work he couldn't discuss."

Ginny smiled. "And he makes it better?"

James beamed at her and nodded. "He does. I know it's stupid-"

"No, it's not stupid at all. You found that person that makes everything better and that's special," Ginny said.

James put up a privacy spell. "I don't understand it, Mum. I've been with so many people. A person shouldn't make so much difference, but he just knows me. He helps just by being there and he gets me. I don't even have to say anything and he understands what I need."

"It's called love, James. You've been with teenage crushes and people you didn't choose." She patted his cheek. "You had sex with people, but you didn't make love, and besides I don't think it's the sex at all. You mentioned people you've been with, but when you talk about Scorpius, you talk about understanding and being there. Those are two completely different things. As much as I miss you, I'm glad that you have him in your life."

"I wouldn't be here without him," he admitted. "I never would have had the courage to leave Amsterdam, and I certainly wouldn't have stayed clean." James looked up and grinned. "And speaking of the devil-"

Scorpius moved through the bleachers to reach the seat next to James. "Mrs. Potter, how are you?"

"Good, thank you and you?"

Scorpius laced his fingers with James' and then smiled at Ginny. "I'm great, thanks." He leaned in and kissed James. "You okay too?"

James took a deep breath. "Better now. It's loud and crowded."

"I know, but we can cast a spell to muffle the sounds and when the game's over, we'll sit here and let people go first." He squeezed James' fingers gently. "It'll be all right." 

James looked at his mother for a moment, then back to Scorpius. "Yes, it will be." For the first time in a long time, he truly believed it.


	22. The Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Scorpius have dinner with Harry and Ginny.

Scorpius didn't know how he'd been roped into having dinner with James and his parents at a fancy new restaurant, but here they were and things were going surprisingly well, which really was a shocker considering that James and his father barely talked to each other. He should have known that it wasn't going to last.

The change in James happened in the blink of an eye. One moment he was joking with his mother and then he looked across the room and everything changed. He started gasping and gripping the tablecloth. Scorpius got up and went around the table, while Harry put up a privacy spell. He took James' hand and pressed it against his own chest. "Breathe, just breathe with me, in and out. That's it, just look at me and breathe with me." He kept murmuring the same words over and over until James started to breathe normally again. Certain that it was all right, Scorpius returned to his chair

"What happened? What's wrong with you?" Ginny asked.

"It's okay, it's just a panic attack," James said with a shrug.

"And what set it off?" This wasn't the first panic attack. At that start, even the littlest thing could trigger one. Scorpius remembered the day that they were walking outside and a bug had landed on James' arm. He had thought someone was touching him and that had been enough to set it off. But that was months and go and James hadn't had an attack in at least two months. "What happened?"

James looked at his parents, but when he spoke, he kept looking at Scorpius. "Remember that woman I told you about, the one that gave me that first potion? I thought I saw her."

"It's not her," Harry said, while he resumed his dinner.

"How do you know?" Scorpius asked, saving James from having to ask the same question.

Harry looked at him, but then turned to James. "You didn't really think that I'd get those pictures and let it go, did you? What they did was wrong, and they've ruined so many lives, not just yours. I couldn't let them continue just because you were safe at home. I pushed the Dutch into a joint operation. They got the credit, I got them arrested. A few people will spend the rest of their lives in prison, including that woman. Lotte van Eerden, her partner was her husband, Sjef Beverdam. Their ring included seventeen people who were actively pushing drugs to keep their… employees pliant. There were others with minor ties, but as far as we can tell, they believed that the drug use had been voluntary and since prostitution is legal in the Netherlands, we couldn't do anything to them."

"Harry-" Ginny smiled at him, shaking her head.

"What? I had to do something," he said.

"You should have talked to me," James said softly. "It's been six months since I've returned and you barely talk to me, but you go and do this."

"It was the right thing to do," Harry repeated. 

"Right, you didn't do it for me. You did it because it was the right thing to do," James said, bitterly.

"Oh stop it," Scorpius said. "Stop acting like a stupid Gryffindor. Not everything is black and white and your father is perfectly capable of doing something that's right and is about you at the same time." He turned to Harry. "And with all due respect, Mr. Potter, it wouldn't hurt to admit it. I know that's not how you and James used to talk, but James is different now."

The fork and knife clunked against the plate as Harry glared at Scorpius. "And how would we know? He came to your house and stayed there."

"Stop blaming Scorpius," James said.

"I wasn't," Harry said.

"Right, my fault," James said with a shake of his head. "I can't do anything right, can I? It might not possibly be because from day one, you've judged me. I left the Auror, I wasn't responsible enough, I became a junkie and a whore, isn't that what you said?"

"I didn't know how fast this potion works," Harry said.

"Right, because you didn't believe me when I tried to explain, and once you found out, you didn't think that maybe you owned me an apology-"

"For letting us worry for seven years? We thought you were dead! Do you understand what that means?" 

"I upset Mum, you told me already," James snapped back.

"Upset? Upset doesn't cover it, James. Upset is for when your child doesn't get the job he wants or when something doesn't go right. Upset isn't remotely close enough to what a parent feels when he thinks that his first born is dead somewhere, when I've failed to the most important job I have and that's protecting you. Upset doesn't describe the agony I felt when I thought that we'd never see you again, because I didn't protect you from the job and the press. You have no idea-"

"It wasn't your fault." James covered Harry's hand. "But it wasn't my fault either. It was their fault and you've already done everything in your power to make sure that they paid for it and that it never happens again, and that's amazing, but Dad, I need you more than I need a legal victory. I grew up wanting to be just like you, wanting to make you proud, and now it's so hard to be around family, because I see the disappointment in your eyes every time you look at me."

"Oh, baby." Ginny gripped James' other hand. "We aren't not disappointed in you. Disappointed for you, yes, but not in you."

"Can we just-" James took a deep breath, pushing down the emotions that were threatening to come bubbling. "I want to go home."

Harry pulled his hand away. "You go, I'll take care of the cheque."

James frowned. "No, I'm not going to the manor. I want to go to your house. I don't want to do this in public."

Harry nodded. "Of course we can go home." He didn't bother waiting for the waiter and left enough money to cover their meal, before heading out to Apparate home.


	23. Tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James and Harry finally talk.

"Come on, sit and I'll bring out dessert and tea," Ginny said as they got into the house. "We've got pumpkin pie or treacle tart. I can probably find something chocolate for Scorpius."

Scorpius laughed. "I don't understand why you don't understand that dessert needs chocolate."

"How aren't you overweight with all the chocolate you eat?" James said, shaking his head.

"Because I'm amazing, and let me help your mother. If I know her, there will be a lot more than just dessert," Scorpius said, following Ginny to the kitchen.

"For a Slytherin, he's not very subtle," Harry said.

"He can be when he wants to. This is his way to tell me not to be an idiot and take the opportunity given." James smiled a little. "He doesn't think I understand subtle."

"You seem to understand him pretty well and he understands you," Harry said. "He was good at the restaurant, getting you to breathe again."

"He is. He's also pretty smart, so I'm going to go with his unsubtle push and not talk about him." James moved closer to Harry. "Dad, I don't want to stay away. I didn't think that I was strong enough to do this alone, but I have Scorpius. The thing is that I don't want to do it just with him. I want you and Mum around, but I can't do that if we keep fighting." The emotions that had threatened to come to surface in the restaurant boiled up again and he turned his head, trying not to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm really, really sorry. I wish I could go back and not do anything stupid, but I can't and I wish that I could make you proud of me again, but I don't know how, and I know it's selfish of me, but I need you and I need Mum, and-"

Harry pulled him into a hug and held him tight. "I love you, Jamie. I've always loved you so much. You were my first baby, and I promised that I would never let anyone hurt you, and then you were gone and when you showed up, I knew just how much I had failed you, not just when you left, but all those years in between. I should have found you, I should have-" He kissed James' temple. "I was upset with myself and I took it out on you, and I've been too stubborn to fix it. I'm the one who's sorry, for everything."

"You didn't know." James kept his arms around Harry, face buried against his dad, refusing to let go. "It'd have been stranger if you went to Dutch brothels."

Harry chuckled. "You mean that your mother would have killed me if I had." He took a deep breath. "I didn't even know where to start looking. You Disapparated and by the time we knew something was wrong, the locator spells didn't work."

"They cast spell on us to prevent people from finding us," James said.

"Yes, we figured that out, when we raided their so-called club," Harry said. "But enough of that. Are you all right? Last time you hugged me like this, you were eighteen-

"And I had just been picked for the Auror program. I was so happy and terrified at the same time, because I knew I could never be as good as you," James whispered.

Harry drew his head back. "Was that why you were so worried? Jamie, you didn't have to be as good as me. You had to be good."

James snorted. "Because no one is as good as you."

Harry sighed. "No, because no one should be forced to fight for his life since the age of eleven." He ran his hand over James' arm. "I was so proud of you and I still am, Jamie. You've pulled yourself together and you're fighting every day to get better, and your mother and I will be there if you still want us close after I've made an arse of myself."

James sniggered. "Albus will be so pissed off that he didn't hear you say that, but yes, I want you in my life."

"Right, can you let go now? Because your mother and Scorpius are doing a really bad job at pretending that they aren't listening and waiting for us to be done so that they can come in." Harry kept an arm around James as he let go. "Come on, let's sit down."

"Dad-" James rested his head against Harry's shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Jamie."


	24. Discussions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James talks to Draco about the future.

"What happened?" Draco swept into a room hiding the panic he was feeling. The moment the house elf had mentioned blood and James, he'd Apparated from one side to the manor to the other. 

"It's just a cut," James said, holding his hand.

"It's hardly just a cut. You're bleeding on a very expensive rug."

"Shit, I'm sorry, I tried to heal it, but I'm not really good at casting spells with my left," James said.

Draco chuckled. "Don't worry about it. I'm sure the house elves will get it clean. Here let me." He cast a healing spell and watched as the skin mend until there was no sign of the cut. "What exactly where you trying to do?" 

James sighed. "You think it's stupid."

"You're a Gryffindor. I expect that everything you do is stupid," Draco deadpanned. "You'll have to narrow it down for me."

"It's been almost seven months and well, I can't stay here forever."

"Scorpius would disagree with that," Draco pointed out.

"Well, fine, even if I stay, I can't have him support me forever," James said.

Draco smirked. "I'm sure he'd disagree with that too. It's hardly like he pays for anything in the house and his salary from the Ministry is petty cash. He has more than enough money to support both of you."

"But I don't want him to. I know he could and would, but I feel like I'm so dependent on him for so much, not just money, and I thought…." James trailed off, looking at his hand.

"That you'd cut your hand to prove that you don’t? What is it, James?" He smiled gently. "Put it this way. I already think that all Gryffindors are idiots, therefore you can't disappoint me with whatever you're trying to do."

James hesitated and then sighed. "Do you think I could get back into the Aurors?"

"Merlin's balls, you aim low, don't you?" Draco chuckled, before leading James to the couch so they could sit down. "I can honestly say that I don't miss dealing with your father and right now, you remind me of him. I suppose it was to be expected now that you're feeling better. You're so much like him."

Draco sighed. "I don't know what the rules are, but if you want it enough, you have plenty of relatives working inside the Ministry that it will happen, but first, you need to convince your father, which I'm sure you can do. He wants nothing better than to see his first born to regain his rightful place. For a man who talk about progress, your father is truly old fashioned."

James grinned. "So you think I can do it."

"I think you can get your job back, but I question whether you should, and whether you really want to," Draco said. "I know you and your father are talking and trying to work things out, but James, do not let him push you into becoming an Auror again."

"I'm not doing it for him," James said. "It's what I wanted, what I worked hard to become and besides, what else would I do?"

"It's also why you left. If you thought the scrutiny was bad when you were young, imagine how much harder, it'll be now. They won't leave you alone and every mistake will be scrutinized. Your past will be brought up. Do you really want to live your life having to relive the past?" Draco asked. "And how about the fact that the past is connected to what happened in Amsterdam? Are you sure you can withstand that type of tension without using again?"

Their eyes met and James wanted to look away, because he didn't want to show his own doubts. "I… Dad talks about the office and cases and I want to be there, I want to be useful, but I don't know how. I don't even know what else I could do if I don't go back. I've never done anything else."

"I always told Scorpius that I'll guide him, but I won't decide for him. He needs to make his own choices and so do you, but it sounds to me that you are more interested in making your father happy than finding what you enjoy and that will backfire." Draco thought for a moment. "How about this? Wait a little longer, because once you ask your father, there's no going back. In the meantime, you and I look at different positions and jobs and see if there's something you like, something other than the aurors. If in a month you don't find something you truly enjoy, then you talk to your father. Does that sound fair?"

James grinned and nodded. "Thank you."

Draco shrugged the thanks off. "We're both home doing nothing while Scorpius works. We might as well be productive. I still have one question, how did going back to the Aurors lead to you cutting your hand?"

James ducked his head. "I was trying some of the requires spells. I might be out of practice."

Draco laughed. "Of course you'd start with the spells. Come on, since you want something exciting, I do have a new jewellery box that Gringotts has sent over. It looks like it's cursed with a Dark spell. Do you want to help me out?"

James got up before Draco did. Finally something fun to do.


	25. Broomsticks and Careers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James tells his family about his new job.

"I got a job," James said to no one in particular. There was total chaos at the Burrow and he didn't know if anyone other than Scorpius was paying attention, but it felt good to say it. Of course, he had underestimated his family, because suddenly there was absolute silence and everyone was staring at him.

"Are you following in Uncle Bill's footsteps?" Rose asked. "Scorpius mentioned that you were working with his father."

James rolled his eyes. "Merlin no. I thought it was going to be more interesting, but it is _boring_. Check one spell, read another book, check another spell, read another book. I don't know how Draco does it."

"Malfoy always had plenty of patience when it came to magical theory," Harry said.

"Yes, took him a year to get the Death Eaters into Hogwarts," George muttered.

"George!" Ginny glared at him. "We don't need to go back thirty-seven years. So what is this job?"

"Will you be cleaning the halls at St. Mungo's? We do need janitors," Albus said with a sweet smile.

James held up two fingers at his brother. "I'll be testing race brooms," he said with a grin, and then rubbed Scorpius' back when he heard his boyfriend groan. "Scorpius needs another month or so to get used to the idea."

"I can't believe of all the things my Dad suggested, _that_ is what you picked. Actually, never mind, I do believe it," he said with a sigh.

"Did he suggest going back to your job?" Harry asked.

James knew that no matter what he said, the answer would be wrong and decided to be as truthful as possible. "I thought about returning, but Draco suggested that I take my time and see other possibilities, decide what I really wanted to do. He's made me do research."

"The horror," Hermione said, smiling. "How exactly did you settle on testing brooms?"

James chuckled. "I didn't. Draco was going to see the new Nimbus. We went to headquarters. There was a broom lying there and I got on, started flying. Apparently I pushed it faster than most of their flyers and they offered me a job on the spot. You have to see this broom. It's a new model for the Quidditch teams, a prototype, no safety spells. It was amazing."

"You won't be able to do that forever," Percy said.

"I wouldn't be able to do an Auror forever either. Pretty sure Dad is never leaving unless he becomes minister and Aunt Hermione is not giving that up, so it's not like I could have a career there," James said.

"You could have a career inside the Ministry," Hermione pointed out.

Ron snorted. "Why would you do that to him? I think it's brilliant. You spend your day flying the fastest brooms."

"And he can have a career," Scorpius said. "Besides testing, he could get into making them."

"You're ruining all the fun," James said.

"Maybe in twenty, thirty years, you'll change your mind," he said with a smirk.

"That seems too soon," James said, grinning as well. 

"If you change your mind, you know that there is always a spot in the division," Harry said.

"Harry, enough. He's always loved to fly. He was flying before he was walking, let him do what he wants," Ginny said.

"He worked so hard to get qualified," Harry answered.

"Because you pushed him, because he thought he needed to become an Auror to make you proud, but he wanted to be a Quidditch player, he had the offers, and if he'd just taken them, none of this would have happened, but you kept pushing him. If you hadn't, he would have never-" Ginny got up and walked away.

"Mum, it was my choice," James said, gently.

"You were eighteen and being pushed in a million directions, and I kept my mouth shut because I wanted to give you the chance to make your decisions." She stared at her husband. "Not this time, Harry. In case you don't understand your son, he's telling you that he doesn't want to go back."

"I'm giving him options," Harry rebutted.

"It's not an option he wants, and your options sound remarkably like orders. You're fifty-two and you still don't get that when you say something people, including your children, do what you say. I won't let him. James deserves to be happy and do what he wants, not what you want him to do."

"I'm right here," James said. "Mum, you don't have to fight with Dad. I'm not going back no matter what he says. I thought I could. I did, but Draco showed me why it wasn't a good idea without saying a word. I couldn't even deal with the stress of dealing with a cursed object." He got up and hugged her. "I'm going to be okay, Mum. Took me long enough, but I'm finding my way."

Ginny cupped his face. "I wish we could have helped you and not Malfoy, but I'll be forever grateful to him."

"Good, because it'd be terrible if you hated the in-laws," James said, looking back at Scorpius.

"Don't worry, they already hate my in-laws," Albus said. 

"Hey, those are my parents," Primrose said.

"Oh it has nothing to do with you. Somehow it's my fault, because I can never do anything right."

Ginny sighed. "We don't hate your parents, Prim, and Albus, stop saying that. We're very proud of you."

"I only want the best for you," Harry said.

"We know, Dad, but you can't decide what the best is," Albus said. "You have to let us make the mistakes. Besides, James has Scorpius, so at least one of them has a brain."

"Thanks, Al, you're a great brother," James answered with a snort.

"No problem. Now, can we go out and play some Quidditch?" The words were barely out of Albus' mouth that people got up and started to go outside. 

"You blame me," Harry said softly.

"No, I blame both of us," Ginny said, sitting next to him. "It wasn't what he wanted to do, and I didn't say anything. I should have, but I didn't and you couldn't see it. We can't repeat the same mistakes." She looked at Harry. "He's doing better and we need to support him. You need to support him. No more trying to make him do what you think it's best. He wants to fly. Do you remember when you loved to fly? When you would just go out there and fly to feel better? You chose to give up what you enjoyed for the good of the world. We're not forcing him to do the same. The war is over, Harry. You need to stop fighting, and you need to stop pushing your children like you keep waiting for the next dark wizard to take over."

Harry took his glasses off and cleaned them, before putting them back on. "I don't know how to do that, Ginny. There's always something, always someone. What if they come for them?"

"We'll protect him, but we can't push him into doing a job that will kill him faster than any possible dark wizard." Ginny squeezed his hand. "Come on, let's watch him fly. Maybe you can remember the joy of it."


	26. The Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius thinks about the future.

The sun was shining outside. The smell of the roses travelled all the way inside their bedroom. Scorpius was lying on their bed, head on James' stomach. He'd looked at the ceiling for a good twenty minutes, not saying anything.

"What's wrong?" James finally asked. 

"I've been thinking," Scorpius said, before going quiet again.

James ran his fingers through Scorpius' hair. "Care to share?"

"Remember Jack?" Scorpius said.

"Married to Amelia, daughter is Olivia, straight and you're not fucking him," James said.

Scorpius chuckled. "Yes, that's him. He's cheating on his wife. With another woman and not me," he added. "Do you think that people can be happy when married?"

"My family history would say yes, but I don't know. I'm pretty sure that my mum has been angry at my father since I disappeared. I think she's still upset, but they pretend that everything is fine instead to talk about it. They look like the happy couple, but I don't know if they are really happy," James said.

Scorpius shifted and lay on his side while he looked at James. "I think they are happy, your parents, I mean, but losing you put a big strain on their marriage. I think they are doing their best because they love each other."

"Or because divorce his wrong and my father would never do anything wrong," James said.

"That's pretty jaded." He ran his fingers over James' lips. "You're so angry with him, and I don't think you even see it."

"I… it's not anger. I think we moved past anger and into resignation while still in school. He's Harry Bloody Potter and he's always right, he always does the right thing, and he'll always put the good of the many over his own good and that of his family. He's a bloody saint and it's hard to live up to that." James shrugged. "I'm done trying."

"Or maybe he's just a victim of his own fame and he's trying his best, but even his family keeps bring up that he's a hero," Scorpius said. "Maybe if you all stopped doing that, he could finally be just a dad."

"Were you seriously thinking about my father for twenty minutes? You're weird," he said with a snort.

Scorpius rolled his eyes. "Of course not. I was thinking what our children would be like."

James chocked on his own saliva. "Our what? Aren't you skipping a few steps?"

"Why? Don't you want to marry me?" Scorpius said with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, I do, but… children? Shouldn't we deal with the proposal first?"

"I'm pretty sure I just did," Scorpius said, before grinning. "James Sirius Potter, would you do me the honour of being my husband?"

"Are you serious? You are. That's what you were thinking about-" He laced his fingers with Scorpius. "Are you sure? I mean, you could do so much better, and not someone who still can't deal with stress without wanting to take something to numb it."

"Eight months you've been clean. It hasn't been easy and I know there are days when you still get that itch, but you fight it and even if you had a relapse, it wouldn't matter, because I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

James pressed their forehead together. "The rest of our lives together. That sounds… perfect."

"Not so jaded now," Scorpius said with a grin.

"Oh piss off," James said, laughing. "In case it wasn't obvious, yes, I want to marry you. I love you."

"I love you more." 

James knew that it was a lie, because what he felt for Scorpius had no bounds, but it didn't argue. Instead, he kissed his fiancé. 

They were getting married.


	27. The Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James learns some things about his parents.

"Are you all right, Dad?" James asked as he walked into the kitchen. Harry was sitting at the table eating something that James couldn't even name.

"Yes, I'm fine." He pulled a chair. "Have a seat. What can I do for you?"

"I don't need anything," James said with a soft smile. "Everything is going amazingly well. I did want to tell you and Mum something, and lo and behold, I discovered that she's been staying at the Burrow. So let's try this again, are you all right?"

Harry started to eat again. "There's nothing for you to worry about. Your mother and I- we'll figure it out."

"Dad, I'm not sure how we have to tell you, but it's all right to be human, to have feelings, to be hurt. It's actually nice- Well, not nice, because I don't want you and Mum to have problems, but it's reassuring to know that you aren't perfect either," James said with a sigh.

Harry's jaw tensed. "I never claimed to be perfect. In fact, your mother has been telling me all the reason why I fucked up with you for the past few weeks."

James tried to bite his lip to stop from smiling. "Must be a new experience for you. It's all right, you get used to failure. Takes some time, but eventually you learn to accept it. Mum is just trying to help you."

Harry hit him with his napkin, but cracked a smile. "You're not a failure, James, and neither is your brother. Apparently I am to tell you, because I haven't made it clear."

"Did Albus faint when you told him?" James asked, grinning.

"No, little shit told me that it doesn't count unless I give a quote to a paper and people know," Harry said, laughing. 

James banged his head against the table. "Tell me you didn't. Merlin, does he know that you're a Gryffindor and don't back up from a dare?"

"I guess he'll learn soon enough," Harry said with a grin. "You might want to grab Quidditch Weekly. You and Lily are in there too."

James groaned. "Well, at least Mum will like it."

"She will and Albus knew that," Harry answered.

James nodded when the realization dawned on him that Albus had done it on purpose. "He is a Slytherin."

"And he knew I wouldn't resist a dare even knowing why he was saying it," Harry said.

"You and Al are doing okay, though. Better than when I left," James said.

"We are, but that's because he is a little shit with a sarcastic mouth and he'll always tell me when I'm screwing up. Lily, too. She does it with a smile and a kiss."

"And Daddy, the moment she says Daddy, you know something's up," James said, laughing.

"Usually a long list of why I'm wrong," Harry said, laughing. "It's even worse with the kids now. I tried to held Maia when she first gave birth and she gave me a ten minute lecture on why I couldn't hold her all the time."

"She knows you," James said, chuckling. "Your first grandchild? You would have never put her down if she hadn't said something."

Harry nodded. "Probably. You're the only one who never complained. You tried to be so perfect for us. It's taken me a long time to see it. I know I've said it before, but I am sorry." He squeezed James' arm. "I thought I was protecting you and I never saw the damage I was doing. Albus always says I love you the most, and he's wrong, I love all three of you, but you were my first one, always so ready to please, always with a smile on, so ready to face the world, and I wanted… I guess I wanted you to be like me." He shook his head. "Sorry doesn't seem enough."

"It's more than enough, Dad. It's not all your fault either. I wanted to be like you. I also wanted to be as popular as Grandpa James and Sirius, the smart one like Uncle Bill, Uncle Percy and Aunt Hermione, the Quidditch player like you and Mum, the prankster like Uncle George. I tried to be everything and… I think I was burnt out before I even left Hogwarts, even before I joined the Aurors. I should have listened to Uncle Ron. He told me to take a year off and go have fun," he said.

"People underestimate Ron," Harry said with a smile. "He's the one who reminds us to be normal, and we both should have listened to him. He told me not to let you join the division."

James sighed. "So we were both wrong. Maybe you can tell Mum and she can come home. I don't want to be the reason you two fight."

Harry laughed. "Oh Jamie, your mother and I are capable of fighting without any help. It's not the first time, either. We've got strong personalities, it happens. We just kept it from you when you were younger. Remember when you were eight and you went away?"

"The vacation in France? That was brilliant," James said.

"Right. There was a tough case, a wizard killing witches and Muggle women alike. He wouldn't just kill them. He'd kidnap, torture and rape them. I was obsessed with finding him. I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I kept snapping at you kids." Harry got up and poured them some tea while he told the story. "Your mother was complaining that I was affecting you, that I wasn't present enough. I complained that she didn't understand how important it was. Every day was a new fight and then one day I brought home pictures of the dead victims. I was reviewing them when I fell asleep on the couch. You must have come into my study while I was asleep and took one of the pictures to your mother. It was a brutal one. Your mother packed up and took all of you away. It took a lot of grovelling and a promise never to bring work at home to get her back home. I thought I lost all four of you that time."

James frowned. "I remember the trip. Mum was always smiling, showing us new things. I never even suspected that there was anything wrong."

"Your mother is that good," Harry said with a big smile. "She's spent her life protecting you."

"How bad could have been though? I don't remember the picture."

"Truly bad. Your mother cast a memory spell. She didn't want you to have to live with that image and she was right," Harry added before James could complain. "You were eight and those pictures gave me nightmares. No child should have had to deal with that. So as you can see, I have a history of pissing off your mother. I'll- We'll fix it, don't worry." He took a sip of the tea. "So what did you want to tell us?"

James beamed at his father. "I wanted to tell you together, but I told Mum just before coming here. Scorpius has proposed. We're getting married. I know he's a Malfoy and a Slytherin and-"

"And he's perfect for you," Harry said. "That's all I care about."

"He is perfect and irresistible and hot and smart and are you really okay with this?" James asked hesitantly.

Harry got up again and put his arms around James. "He makes you happy and I'm very okay with anyone that loves you as much as he does, and if I've learned to get along with Pansy Parkinson for your brother, Draco Malfoy will be a breeze."

James looked up. "It's not what you would have wanted."

"It's what you want, Jamie, and… I'm really fine with it." Harry leaned down and kissed James' head. "I love you and I am really proud of you."

James leaned against his father. For the first time, he didn't feel like he had to hide or pretend. He could just get used to this.


	28. The Cupboard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James goes to talk to Albus.

"Hey, Ja-" Albus' eyes thinned into slits as he stepped into his office at St. Mungo's. "Are you here to steal my potions?"

"What? No, I- I was here-"

"Very smooth. Seriously what the hell? You decided to break into my potion cupboard for fun, is that it?" Albus said. "Get the hell out of my office before I call security, because I won't fall for whatever bullshit answer you're thinking of."

"I came to talk to you and then you weren't here, and I've been jonesing for a fix, and they were right there." James closed the door of the cupboard and faced his brother. "Can we talk? Please? Then I'll leave and not come back."

Albus sighed, but gestured toward a chair and then took the one next to it. "What's going on, Jamie? You've been doing so well, everything seemed fine. Have you been using?"

James shook his head. "Everything _has_ been fine, but with the wedding coming up-"

"Cold feet? That's normal. I don't think that any one of our cousins didn't go through it," Albus said with a smile.

"Did you?"

"Merlin, no. Prim would have killed me," he said, snorting. "Let me rephrase, all of the Gryffindor Weasley men decided to freak out before their wedding. The women were all just fine, because they are smart. But, Jamie, potions? You can't be that scared."

"I'm not. I love him so bloody much, Al. He's-" He smiled bright at him. "He's amazing, patient, smart, sexy, loving, and a million other things."

"But?" Al asked.

"There's no but, that's the problem."

Albus sighed. "Jamie, you're making no sense. He's perfect, you love him, he loves you, you're getting married, and-"

"And it's all too perfect, Al. What if he wakes up and realises just how not perfect I am?" James noticed the way he was rubbing his hands, just like he used to when using. He forced himself to stop. "I… I guess I am scared that he'll figure out that I'm not worth all the effort. Look at me, I'm getting married and I broke into your potion cupboard. I didn't even think about it, I wasn't here for that, but-"

"There's no but, Jamie," Albus said softly. "Scorpius knows you. He's known you since he was eleven. He's seen every side of you, the cocky Gryffindor, the Quidditch player, the obnoxious prankster, the Auror, the addict."

"The whore," James whispered.

"And does that bother him?" Albus asked.

James shrugged. "We don't really talk about it."

"Maybe you should, because it sounds like it's bothering you." He patted James' leg. "The only person who can give you the reassurances you need is Scorpius, but you need to talk to him. Be the brave Gryffindor I know and love to hate and speak to him. You need to, not just because this is stressing you out enough to look for potions, but also because you can't start a marriage with this hanging over you."

James nodded, before smiling. "When did you become so smart?"

"I've always been smart. You were too stupid to figure it out," Albus answered, chuckling.

"Oh and nice going with that dare. Mum has 'reluctantly' moved back after Dad's quote in Quidditch Weekly." James had been happy to hear that, because the idea of his parents apart simply didn't sit well with him.

"Shifting the focus on Mum and Dad isn't going to make me forget," Albus said.

"I know, but I had to try," James said, chuckling. He took a deep breath and stood up. "All right, I'm going home and talking to Scorpius, happy?"

Albus called him before he could leave. "You need to tell him about the potions. He needs to know how close you came, and you two need to figure out a way for you to deal with the stress when you can't talk to him."

"Can we wait until after the wedding? Let him enjoy it?"

Albus shook his head. "No, because you're not delaying for Scorpius. You're delaying to protect yourself from his reaction. You can't do that, Jamie. If you don't tell him, I will, and I'll owl tonight to make sure you aren't lying to me."

"You don't trust me?" James asked hurt.

"I love you, Jamie, but you're a recovering addict who just tried to steal my potions. No, I don't trust you with this and I don't trust you not to do something stupid if I stay quiet. I'm not trying to hurt you; I'm trying to help." He moved closer and hugged James. "Trust yourself and trust Scorpius. It'll be fine."

James wasn't sure that Albus was right, but he certainly hoped so.


	29. Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James talks to Scorpius about almost using and his fears

"You've been quiet through dinner," Scorpius said as they entered their bedroom. "Is everything all right?"

James toed off his shoes and then tossed his shirt toward the chair, missing by an inch. The house elves would take care of it, but Scorpius was the anal one who folded everything and normally James would go along, but tonight his mind was elsewhere. He sat on the chair and stared at Scorpius. "You're about to get an owl from my brother, telling you what a fuck up I am."

"I see." Scorpius took off his robe and folded neatly. James could see that he was using the time to think, but soon he was moving and straddling James. "That's a rather incomplete summary of why you've been quiet. Care to tell me what happened."

James shifted back to make sure that Scorpius would be comfortable and put his arms around him. "I'm an idiot; that's what happened."

"Once again, I'm missing information." He started to massage the back of James' neck. "You're so tense. What happened? And I mean facts."

"I broke into his potion cupboard, that's what happened. I didn't even mean to. I was there to talk to him, and he was seeing patients. They told me I could wait in his office and after fifteen minutes, I'd broken his spells and got into his cupboard. If he hadn't come in-" He rested his forehead against Scorpius' shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

Scorpius ran his fingers through James' hair, gently petting him, while he focused his own thoughts. "Why? You've been clean for a year, why now? Is it the job? Us? The wedding? If you changed your mind, we can talk, call it off."

"No, Merlin, no." James looked up at Scorpius. "That's the last thing I want. I don't know…it is the wedding, but not that. I've been worrying about it and the more I worried, the more I wanted a fix, you know? And I couldn't talk to you."

"You could have made an appointment to see your Healer," Scorpius said with a calm he wasn't feeling. 

"I know, I should have, but that felt like that would be admitting that I was failing. I was supposed to be done with all that. I was better, I could do it, I stayed clean for six months and I didn't need to go back, and usually I don't, because I have you, and I really thought I could manage, but then the cupboard was right there, and I've learned to break into his spells so long ago that it wasn't even a challenge, and Merlin, I'm such an idiot. I know that, I-" James pulled Scorpius closer and pressed his cheek against Scorpius' chest. "I was so afraid of losing you."

"Losing me? James, what are you talking about? I've been in love with you since I was sixteen - that's ten years - I've asked you to marry me, why would you think you'd lose me?" Scorpius pushed James away so that they could look at each other. "Have I done something to make you wonder?'

"No, Scorpius, stop. Don't blame yourself for my stupidity. You're amazing. You've been so bloody good to me and I love you so much."

"Then, what's wrong?" "Scorpius asked gently. "It sounds like everything is perfect, why are you afraid?"

"Do you ever think about it? Those seven years?" James asked.

"Sometimes," Scorpius admitted. "Sometimes I see how you recoil if someone says something or touches you a certain way. I know that a hand on the back of your neck will make you tense and move away unless it's us. I see the little things and it makes me wonder what you had to endure to get these reactions, and there are days that I wonder how easy it would be to make you forget what happened, but I know better, and those memories are part of who you are and it would be wrong to take them away."

"Do you think about the men?"

Scorpius got off of James' lap and started to pace. "What are you getting at, James? Do I think about you and other people? Not really, no. I do my best not to think about it."

"Albus says we should talk about it," James said.

Scorpius raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that he said that without a reason. So why are we talking about it? Because I'm perfectly fine never mentioning them again."

"Because- I don't know. Aren't you angry-"

"I'm bloody furious," Scorpius snapped back. "I'm so fucking angry that I can't afford to think about it, but James, I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with all those men and women that used you. I want to find every single one of them and kill them. I bet I could get your father to help me, but I don't, because I'm a grown up and I'm supposed to know better. Do you know those people your father arrested? I went to their trials, just a floor away from where I work. I watched them all get sentenced for life, before being sent back to the Netherlands for their trials there and do you know why I was happy about them leaving? Because they still use the Dementors there, and they will have every trace of joy sucked out of them before receiving the kiss, and that makes me feel slightly better, but it's still not enough, because no amount of pain they suffer will make you better, so I try not to think about it, but instead I think about us. I think of the peaceful way you look when you're asleep. I think about the desire I see in your face when we shag. I think of the happiness I feel when you're near me."

He crouched in front of James and ran his hands over James' thighs. "Jamie, those men will never make me leave you, but I love you and I want to do what's best for you, and if you need to talk about them or anything else, then we talk about."

"I… I think Al is right. _I_ need to talk about some of the things they did to me. I've talked to my healer but it's not the same. Not everything that happened, but, just… some. I just… I didn't want you to know," James said.

"Oh love, nothing you say can be as bad as what I imagine every time you flinch." He took James' hand and pressed against his cheek. "And nothing you tell me can make me love you any less. We can talk about anything."

"What about when we can't? I mean… I was so afraid to talk to you that I was so close to use. We need to come up with some kind of solution for when I can't talk to you," James said. "Merlin, I feel stupid just saying it, like I'm some child that needs rules, but I felt so lost without talking to you."

"Then we come up with rules. If there's something that's upsetting you and you don't want to tell me what it is, then you tell me just that. I promise that I will not ask what it is, but we'll figure out the best way to deal with your itch and we'll find someone you can talk to: my dad, your mom, depending on the circumstance. You promise to tell me that you're having a problem you aren't ready to discuss with me and I promise not to ask what the problem is. How does that sound?" Scorpius asked.

James thought for a moment and then nodded. "Okay. And if this work, we'll find something else. Come on, get up and let's get to bed."

"Do you still want to talk about what happened in Amsterdam?" Scorpius said, getting up.

"I do, but not today. Knowing that I _can_ talk to you makes it better already." He got up as well, but chuckled when he saw the owl tapping at the window with a yellow not attached to its leg. "Albus used the St. Mungo's stationary to tell you what a fuck-up I am."

Scorpius let the owl in and gave it a treat, while he read the message, then told the owl that there wasn't an answer. He handed the parchment to James and it read: _Talk to James, he needs you_. "Your brother loves you, Jamie. He's trying to help you and he won't hurt you. Consider talking to him when you can't talk to me. He will keep your secret."

"I'll think about it, but right now… just you and me. I need you… I need you to make love to me. I want to think about us and nothing more."

Scorpius kissed gently. "That sounds a brilliant idea."


	30. Traditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scorpius and James buck traditions

"Turn off the light." James sneaked into their bedroom.

Scorpius smiled amused as he put down the book he was reading. "What are you doing here?"

"I said, turn off the light," James whispered.

Scorpius laughed, but picked up his wand and with a quick spell all the torches went dark. "There, now can you tell me why you're here? You're supposed to be in your room."

"This is my room," James whined.

"Fine, your room for the night. We're getting married tomorrow and it's bad luck… humph, did you just throw yourself on top of me." Scorpius started to laugh. "James, really, it's one night. I think we can survive a night apart in the name of traditions."

"Speak for yourself." James pulled Scorpius down and lay on top of him. "I can't spend a single moment without you."

Scorpius knew better. He should put a stop to this now, but instead he ran his hands up and down James' back. "So what wild plans do you have for tonight?"

James leaned down and kissed him. There was no rush as their lips met over and over, a sweet game of give and take. A warm feeling spread through Scorpius and he smiled against James' lips. "Love you."

"Mmm, me too." James nipped Scorpius' lip. "No talking or I can't do this."

Scorpius' laughter filled the room. "You aren't supposed to be doing anything. You're supposed to be in another room. The night before the wedding, remember? We aren't supposed to see each other until the ceremony."

"Right, and if we don't, we turn into kneazles, or bats, or butterflies. What was it again?" James asked.

Scorpius snorted. "That's Mrs. Scamander's theory, but it's supposed to be bad luck. No transformation into any animal."

"Good, because I'd be something regal and rare," James said.

"Right, like a sparkling unicorn," Scorpius answered, laughing. 

"You sound happy," James said with a grin.

"Now that you mention it, I might be. I'll have you know that I'm getting married to this amazing man in the morning. I thought I'd lost him long, long ago, but then we found each other again and in the past year, I've learned to know him all over again and I love him even more than before." Scorpius grinned. "I'm one lucky man."

James shook his head. "No, I'm the lucky one. I can't imagine my life without you. Your father is already talking about children, did you know?"

Scorpius laughed again. "Of course he is. He's got everything planned, found the right spells to create a child without sex, since – and I quote – James is too much of a Gryffindor to understand that you'd only be having sex to have child."

James snorted. "Your father forgets that you're allergic to vaginas. You wouldn't get it up if your life depended on it."

Scorpius raised an eyebrow. "Your chances of staying here tonight are diminished by the second."

"Right, you're a stud who loves nothing more than fucking women," James said with a grin.

"Fine, whatever. Still he's got a list of possible egg donors, including Lucy and Molly, I might add, and a list of someone to carry the child."

"My cousins? What?" James asked.

"He says that they would be your family as much as mine," Scorpius said with a shrug. "It doesn't matter, because they will be our children no matter what, _but_ that can wait. I'd like to get married first and possibly enjoy ourselves for a little while longer."

James nodded. "I'd like that too. I need the time to adjust to being a husband before getting mentally ready to being a dad. I know I'm the one to rush in, but not this time. I don't want to do it and not be ready. There are too many ways I can fuck up."

"You won't fuck up and you'll be vigilant about your addiction. I'll be there to help you. Besides Malfoys are awesome parents and you have three generations of Malfoys in this house," he said, grinning. "We'll be fine. Now-" He pushed James off and pulled the sheets around them. "Come on, settle in. I want to get some sleep."

"I thought it was bad luck," James said with a grin.

Scorpius spooned James and put a protective arm around him. "We make our own luck."


	31. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As James and Scorpius get married and get ready to spend the rest of their lives together, Harry and Draco make their own plans.

"Shouldn't you be drinking something posh like champagne?" Harry joined Draco at the table, watching their sons dancing some slow song whose name Harry didn't know.

Today was their wedding and they looked magnificent, both of them in their fancy dress robes, but what make them look so gorgeous was the way they kept looking at each other, like the world started and ended with each other.

Draco's thoughts mirrored Harry and even hinted a smile, before snorting. "Sod off, Potter. I'm British and drink gin. Do you have a problem with that?" 

Harry chuckled and shook his head. "They are happy. James is happy and he's doing so much better. I want to thank you for that."

"I didn't do much. Scorpius is the one who did the work." Draco sighed. "He's a good kid, James I mean. I convinced them to take a long honeymoon, a whole month, travel to different places and enjoying themselves. It's not like they'll need the money. It'll be good for them."

"Poor Malfoy, they are saying bye, bye, bye and you'll be all alone in his big house," Harry said with a grin.

"You forget that my parents are still here, although you must be really blind to forget. Father has been glaring at you the entire night." Draco smirked, but then cast a privacy spell. "I had an idea about something we could do together. Call it bonding between the in-laws."

Harry pushed his glasses up as he frowned. "What did you have in mind?"

"Remember those pictures and videos we got in Amsterdam?"

"The ones we destroyed? Yes?"

"The ones you thought I destroyed. I didn't think you should see them. I didn't think Scorpius and James needed to know that I'd seen then."

"What are you getting at?" Harry said, ready to fight.

"The ones that were just sex- I destroyed quick enough. The ones who were … less than nice, I made a list. Took me some times to track them all down. I have names and locations." He leaned back and stretched his legs in front of him. "We have a whole month to pay them a visit and do- Whatever the Chosen One wants to do. I can give you an idea of who deserves what without you ever having to watch those things."

"Why? Why would you do that?" Harry asked.

"Because I'm a Slytherin. At first I thought that you never know when you might need them. Then it became obvious that he and Scorpius would be together, and after you arrested the people responsible for it, I figured that it was time to look at those perverts." He looked at Harry. "I always protect my family and he's as much part of my family as Scorpius is of yours."

"Dad, Draco," James and Scorpius approached them, beaming. "Everything okay? Because Mum has been calling you."

"Don't worry, we can be your cover if you don't want to dance," Scorpius said, grinning. "You'd think she'd accept that you won't dance at any wedding after so many."

Harry grinned. "You caught me. Come on, sit down for a bit."

"Nah, unlike you, I want to dance with my husband," James said, grinning.

"Although we shouldn't leave you alone for too long. There are bets on how long before one of you gets upset," Scorpius added. "Please, prove everyone wrong."

"Nonsense, we are perfectly able to get along," Draco said, smiling. "In fact, Harry and I were just discussing things we could do together."

"Were you?" Scorpius said with a frown. "What were exactly planning?"

"It's been some time since we've duelled, maybe joining a duelling league," Draco said.

Harry nodded. "Yes, I'm sure we can get very creative with our spells."

James rolled his eyes. "You two are weird. You keep discussing that and we'll go back to the dance floor."

Harry chuckled when they left. "Duelling?"

"Sounded better than we're going hunting," Draco said with a shrug. He summoned another glass. "Do you want?"

"Don't mind if I do."

Draco poured the gin in both glasses and handed one to Harry. They clinked their glasses together. "Cheers," Draco said, just as Harry said, "Happy hunting."


End file.
